The English-speaking world is unfamiliar with this creature in the right-wing zoo but today he has presided over far too much death and destruction to be ignored, besides watching over nearly 5 million Covid cases so far. I know, I know – this number is still as small as the genitals of an underweight cockroach in the Congo basin when compared to the phenomenal wreck caused by the tweeting twit Tump in the plutocracy of America or even the trauma inflicted by the mitron-muttering murderous Modi in godly India. But Brazil has made its mark. This beautiful land of beautiful people is also under the thumb of a right wing numbskull – a pattern that has haunted the putrid polity of this cursed planet in the past few abominable years. For the sake of abundant caution and because Noam Chomsky (admittedly, this author’s guru) says that the planet was never in graver danger, we must track all political weapons of mass destruction that poor Covid is scarcely a patch on. And while we may bemoan the formidable virus, we must be grateful to it for spotlighting the fact that democracy can create bigger assholes than dictatorship could ever dream of, and for significantly widening the divide between gold and shit for the benefit of even the politically colour-blind populace.

So this is an introduction to Covid Warrior Jair Messlas Bolsonaro. And in the early part of his introduction there are absolutely no surprises. Predictably, he is an army lemon, a fellow whose brains were snuffed out in military training to well beyond the theirs-not-to-reason-why numbing state. Not surprisingly, after retiring from monkey-service, he was in Brazil’s far-right conservative party which strangely goes by the name Social Liberal Party. But he hated the name so much that he soon snapped ties with them. Bolsonaro showed early promise as a right winger when as a soldier he spoke about money. The winning ingredients of a right-wing despot comprises soldierly witlessness spiked with deranged hyper-patriotism which is charitably called nationalism, manic money-making where petty-thief-turned-shameless-billionaire is sympathetically sold as a rag to riches story, and of course religious tribalism, which is both – a veil for criminal sinning by the ruler and the intoxicant for his asinine supporters. And Bolsonaro, while protesting about the low wages of the army, evidenced at least two of these three ingredients in 1986 when he wrote an article about low wages of army chaps. A fifteen-days’ arrest followed. Now an arrest for wrong reasons does point to a promising politician in the making. He was accused of planning to plant bombs in army units. Now by virtue of wanting to bomb places whose low wages he was protesting earlier, conclusively proved that he would one day be a right-wing stalwart that most of us would be baffled by while the rest kissed his ass. Polarization between right and wrong is what the political polarization of today is all about. It is not much deeper than that. Simply put, today, in some nations – the ones ruled by right-wing fatheads – people are of two types: the first, who like everything that is wrong and therefore ass-kiss the likes of Bolsonaro, and the second who detest wrong and wrong-doing and would like to ass-kick the likes of Bolsonaro. The reason why the former is winning is that they actually do what they would like to do and the reason why the latter is losing is because they never do what they would like to do. And so the winners actually kiss-ass devotedly but the losers are so dignified that they don’t do what they would love to do, which is to kick Bolsonaro’s ass. Physically. (Author’s note: The author confesses to liking Joe Biden’s “Shut up, man,” to Trump in the presidential debate because it is high time the liberal world steps out of its tuxedo either in underwear or naked to wrestle with the right-wing simian in the mud. The days of dignity will have to take a sabbatical if these shit-urchins have to be flushed.) Because lawfully, only lawlessness is allowed. And so a tiny minority of some 30%, united by driven ass-kissing, has hijacked democracies like the United States, United Kingdom and India, proving that in democracies, as in a septic tank, it is the spectacularly stinking shit of a sick skunk that rises to the dizzying dastardly top. The pattern is so effortlessly discernible that using a political scientist to decode this is like deploying a nuclear weapon to kill a rat. To repeat, the simple formula is: Take a mass of WRONG of very low integrity and stupendous greed, and let it feed itself to the brim with hatred. And soon what it oozes from its filthy ass will be like honey to the mouths of ass-kissing supporters.

Well, back to a subject of Bolsonaro’s glorious life and times. So after a first-degree conviction, he was acquitted by the Brazilian Supreme Military Court in 1998, like right-wing toadies usually are. The courts in all such countries have the same DNA with identical strands of impotency, and are driven by expeditiously delivering injustice while keeping justice pending till the criminal dies of natural causes that may include death at the age of 225 out of sheer boredom. In India, the court has recently ruled that those who are guilty of razing the Babri mosque are not guilty of razing the Babri mosque although they razed it, and in America, Trump is treating the Supreme Court like his ageing phallus with which he can play with at will and that it is none of anybody’s business. Coming back to the subject of Bolsonaro, well he was elected as a member of the Christian Democratic Party – like any right-wing toady who must be associated with some religious ideology (for want of a demeaning word for this particular “political” stance which should really be illegitimate in any state that isn’t theocratic) – and was then elected to the lower chamber of the Congress in 1990 and re-elected a few times. The word “lower” for such houses of parliament was meant to be a constitutional pun, one can infer in hindsight. But the moot point here is on Bolsonaro’s confounding re-election which is so reminiscent of the Gujaratis re-electing Modi so many times in their state as Chief Minister that now when the rest of India has experienced him, it cannot stop squinting hard at the Gujaratis and wondering if their bitter choice came from the need to compensate their ultra-sweet cuisine, even the savouries. Or if the hot air filled in the rump of a Gujarati pyjama gets extended to political choices where farts rule the roost. But jokes apart – though that is all we have – here is the real explanation for Bolsonaro’s re-election and it is a physiological one. See right-wing toadies are invariably re-elected a few times even outside Gujarat and that is because ass-kissing is decidedly an addiction. Studies have found that the entry mode of any addictive substance in any addiction of any type, is invariably an orifice. Example: weed from the mouth, a natural office, or drugs injected through an artificial orifice. But an orifice nonetheless. And the orifice in politics is bound to be the smelly one. The asshole. And therefore ass-kissing is quite the addiction.

Now, over the next twenty-seven years, Bolsonaro furthered his reputation as a conservative by following the tried and tested right-wing recipe that involves aggressive opposition to the usual suspects: same-sex marriage and homosexuality, abortion, affirmative action, drug liberalization, and naturally, secularism. And of course, the countries he came to like and love were the United States and Israel, default choices of furiously farting hyper-capitalists. But with India and Modi, things were kind of neutral because for a long time Modi, whose education is asymptomatic, thought Brazil was a type of bra and because Bolsonaro thought India was a poor man’s Amazon forest with snakes and where the few trees that remained, were being cut to create a station, a shed and a track for a Japanese bullet train without having created a road to reach that station simply because Modi was too old to play with a toy train but shitty enough to treat an idiotically expensive train like his toy. It was a matter of time when Bolsonaro and Modi both bumped into each other when each demanded a permanent seat for their respective countries in the Security Council of the United Nations after working hard to never deserve it and without understanding that the fundamental remit of the United Nations is world peace and the word peace, whenever uttered, plagued them with erectile dysfunction, while the word hate made them horny as hell. But back to blundering Bolsonaro, well he party-hopped a bit till he was afforded the opportunity to run for President and then won with a spectacular 55% vote, making the remainder 45% of Brazilians ferociously turn to Science for an explanation and angrily to God for an answer. That, we bloody pray to you and this is how you bloody fuck us! The research into this political calamity admeasuring a stunning 55% is on, but is futile. Dear Brazilians, it simply means that if you were one single human body, then 55% of your surface area would be taken up by your anus. But please don’t feel targeted. The author hails from a geography with an ever-growing crowd of assholes as well such that they even inhabit his WhatsApp groups of school, college, and other places he wishes he never was a part of. Yet, Science shrugs and coolly calls this evolution, and explains it thus: With increased global warming and the planet getting fucked by the humans, the only way humans can survive in these increasingly smelly circumstances is by increasing their assholery percentage to fight the menace like an infected vaccine fights a virus. Using steel to cut steel. But that obviously raises the confounding question that when climate change is behind the proliferation of right-wingers, and is therefore behind their disgraceful creation, then why do they denounce that very science which is behind climate change? The answer my dear, is found in pathology when it explains quite disarmingly that it is because right-wingers are plain shit.

Amen.

So on Bolsonaro, on getting elected, like any honourable right-wing cretin who has a pathological fear of intellect, Bolsonaro, was careful not to fill his cabinet with people more intelligent than him, but because most of them were, he safely filled it with army lemons. What he forgot however was that some army lemons, despite their lemonadic intellect, were still more intelligent than him. You can be an absolute dumbfuck and yet be like Aristotle when compared to another dumbfuck. And so many of them fell out of favour. The moral of the story, dear reader, is that even assholes have a hierarchy. The smaller assholes feel decidedly superior to the bigger assholes and so many felt it was below their anal dignity to work under this king-size anus, Bolsonaro. His Secretary of Government, and his ministers of Education and Justice were among the prominent ones who held their nose and scampered. But to be fair, in his first year, the crime rates fell. But to be fairer, in some right-wing regimes this happens because crimes by the government are simply not counted and they greatly outnumber the crimes by common man. And the criminal ones among Common Man are suddenly so wonderstruck that the lawmakers are lawbreakers now, that they are numbed into inaction for some time. But Brazil, like many countries in the developing world, is not merely developing in the present continuous tense, but has yet to become a country. So you see, you cannot blame an underperforming country for its performance because it isn’t a country yet in the first place. Ha! So on Bolsonaro, after his stunning assholery mandate of 55%, he fucked up royally in his first year in office. Exactly in the way he wanted to plant bombs in the army in which he was employed, in that very manner, he was now daggers-drawn with his party colleagues, and in all that acrimony, he left. But he didn’t leave poor Brazil alone. He cherry-picked those assholes in his party who were bigger assholes than him (believe it or not there were many) and quit to form his own party. It was now 2019 and then came his masterstroke. But to be fair, of all the right-wing blockheads ruling the world, only this man knew what the magic potion for right-wing proliferation was, and therefore of his own political longevity. Presto! Climate change. If he could accelerate climate change, then the percentage of assholes would increase and therefore, his voter base. And that’s what he did. He went after the Amazon forests and proceeded to batter the shit out of them. The deforestation was mind boggling. And given the sheer size and scale of the Amazon forests, imagine its political ripples across the world. Now if Trump is re-elected, you know who was behind his increasing voter base of assholes. That’s right. With the proliferation of asinine voters, Biden may well have to bid goodbye to his presidential dreams. And Trump will have a quiet ally to thank privately.

Covid Warrior Bolsonaro.

But where is Covid in all this?

Since the onset of Covid, where Brazil has now seen over 5 million cases and a bewildering lack of response to the crisis, Bolsonaro’s political fortunes and approval ratings have plunged as they have for most right-wing rulers. He himself had tested positive, again like some right-wing rulers. Like all right-wing rulers, he screwed up in handling the pandemic. But dear reader, just because you and I can see the embarrassment on his face doesn’t mean his doting dud voters can see it too. You see, the asshole is not only very trusting but it is physically also placed in a position where it can never see the embarrassment on its God’s face. Because it can never see the face. It is behind, on its God’s ass.

Moreover, have you ever met an asshole with brains?

Remember, Covid is the strongest message we ever got from nature.

Throw the haters out.

Or perish.

About Ash Kaul

Ash Kaul is a published Kashmiri writer and poet. He enjoys writing political satire and his satire has also been published in The Satirist. He has won some accolades in international competitions of flash fiction, short story and nonfiction as well. Besides building this collection of political satire essays, he is putting finishing touches to a historical epic and also a literary historical suffused with tragedy and set in the conflict zone of Kashmir. He can be contacted at LaughingAshes@gmail.com

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