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Flash Friday
In Matt Kirton’s The Lobby, one holiday ends as another begins. Guests check in, guests check out, ask for Alex, look for the bar, and try to make the week mean something.
Air’s too thin here
It’s goooood to be away
Nothing beats being home
Nice to be warm at last
It’s just too hot
When I’m done
Me I’m done
They’ll have to drag me out of the place
Feels like minutes since we got off that bus
Week’s gonna fly like that
Didn’t know where to eat
What would they try to do
Where not to eat
What could they do
Didn’t know where the Nazar Supermarket is
I’m thirsty
Now
Right now
It’s like we’ve been here forever
What if I never leave
Like we’ve not been anywhere else ever
Cos there’s nowhere else I’d rather be
Just wanna sleep in my own bed
Air con’s kicking out
Air’s too hot and thin
What did he say his name was
We’ll miss Alex
Think he said Alec
The wife liked him
Said he’d be right back
She got his email
Handsome chap
Don’t bother me
Shirt’s too big for him
Shirt’s like an eight-man tent
Aww there’s a cat
Too too hot
Ready for a cold one
Bus should be here
Here where’s the bar
Where’s the wife
Could sneak one in before they’re back
One thing she got right
They’ll wish they’d made beer exempt from their all inclusive
I drank too much on this holiday
When I’m done they’ll rewrite their tees and cees
Detox
Bir
Soon as I step on that plane
Bir bira
Soon as I step off that plane
Time’s it anyway
What time is it
This poor lad
Where’s this bus then
Look at him
What’s he looking at
Home time for you buddy
Sorry for you pal
That’ll be me next week I suppose
That was me last week
Just gotta embrace every second
Feels like just minutes
(aaaahhhh)
Didn’t know Hassan or Nazar’s
Lovely tan he’s got
He’s gonna fry the first couple of days
Which reminds me
I’m tired of strangers
Buy sun cream
People who don’t even know where Nazar Supermarket is
“Checking out”
“Say again”
“Are you checking out”
“That’s right”
…..
“Checking in”
“That’s right”
……
Not very chatty
“Where you from then”
“Liverpool”
Steven Gerrard
“You”
“Just Sheffield”
Sean Bean
Maybe if I don’t look at him
“How long you been here”
“Oh a week”
Ah the same
“How long you”
“A week yeah”
Oooof
“Been good though has it”
“You’ll have a smashing time”
I’m planning to
Probably too much
Plaaaanning
Ooon
Ittt
Cos there’s such a thing as too much of a good time
Another cat
“Family with you”
Or the same cat
If that comes near me
“Sorry what was that”
“I just asked if you’re here with family”
“Yeah two girls and the wife”
I have a family somewhere
Don’t know where they’ve gone
My neck’s raw
He’s actually burnt
“Your wife like seafood”
“Loves seafood”
“She’ll love Santos”
“Yeah”
“Restaurant on the beach”
“Santas”
“Santos”
“Got it”
“S-A-N-T-O-S”
“Sant-os”
“And tell Hassan I sent you”
“Will do cheers”
“He’ll sort you out”
Don’t know your name pal but nice one
We should’ve tried at least one other restaurant
Hey Hassan a sunburnt Sean Bean said you’d sort me out some mussels there Hassan
The thought of another calamari starter makes me wanna be fucking sick
“Good is it”
“The best”
Girls’ll never eat seafood
But gimme some normal food again
Maybe there’ll be something normal on the kids’ menu
Normal English food
Something English and normal
Like hot dogs
Like spag bol
……
……
(sigh)
(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh)
Back in work before I know it
Nine in the morning back home
This time tomorrow
They’ll all be arriving in the office
I’ll be there
And I’m not even there
I’m so ready to plug back in
I’m ready just to switch off
Like a coiled spring for normal
Totally ready to unwiiind
Tired of being ‘dad dad dad’
Time to be ‘dad’ again
‘daaaad gimme some fucking money’
Quality time with my kids
I feel for him
Am I the luckiest bloke in the world
Finally
Does Alec know the bus is here
I’m out of here
We’re all checked in
Going going
Staying
Tell you what
Tell you something
Best of luck finding the Nazar Supermarket Stevie Gee
It’s sooo nice
Nah it’s been nice
One week won’t be enough
But I wouldn’t spend another week here if you fucking paid me
No way we could afford the second week
I should tell him about the market
He’s back
“Mr Stewart please your bus is waiting sir”
““Let me round up the kids Alex”
Alex not Alec
Fuck it I’ll go without them
“And Mr Ripley sir your room is ready sir”
“Thank you Alex”
“Your family are already in your room sir I have the other key here”
Why did we bring so many bags
“Mr Stewart sir”
“Dunno where they’ve all got to Alex”
“Your family is already on the bus waiting sir”
“Nice of ‘em to tell me”
“Safe journey fella”
“Yeah enjoy your stay there and don’t forget Santos”
“S-A-N-T-O-S”
Poor bastard
Poor bastard
“A safe flight Mr Stewart sir”
I will if I can find the feckin’ bus
“Alex”
“Please Mr Ripley sir”
“If I wanted to see the bar before joining my family”
“It would be this way sir”
How do I even get out of here now
“Thank you Alex”
Here we go I’m away
To beer
Get me home
Or not to beer
This heat
Two beers is the answer
Thin air
This is gonna the best holiday ever
(sigh)
“Here now Alex”
“Please Mr Ripley sir”
“I was just thinking how this is gonna be our best holiday ever”
“I hope it is sir”
“This way to the bar”
“Yes sir”
……
Just smile and nod Alex
Beer
Keep smiling Alex
Beer
Keeeeeeeep smiling
Beeeer
Smile
Beeeer
…
Tourists
The English
So so self-important
They’re all the same
Drinking and drinking and then
Abusing my all inclusive
Every time and all of them
(siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhh)
Get to December Alex
Eyes on the prize
End of the year and it’s holiday time for you
End of the year and it’s party time for Alex
(siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhh)
What lovely people have we got checking in from this busload I wonder
Noooooo
Please
No
“OH ALEX”
Nooo
Alex is still here
I’m not doing this again
“DARLING ALEX IS STILL HERE”
Yippeee Alex is still here
“Lovely Mr Hornforth sir”
Alcoholic
“Please Mrs Hornforth madam”
I quit
“We welcome you very much back to the Vela Hotel please”
“MMMWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH MWWWWAH”
Eyes on the prize Alex
“DID YOU GET ALL MY EMAILS ALEX”
Eyes
On
The
Prize
END.
