Match Profile



Name:             Michael

Age:                24

Location:        London

Occupation:   ⚽er

Height:            6’1

Ethnicity:       White British

Religion:         Jedi

Smokes:          ?

Drinks:           ?


What’s made you sign up today?

Jst bin chukd off tinder innit ????

What are you most passionate about?

PuC! PuC! PuC! PuC!

Im goin 2 levL w u. Im ^ & Im loaded. Cn mak it worth ur whils. Believs. 3 years go I wz playin n da Premier League & bangin a ?{:o) – if urs on a datin site u aint gona b competin w Casey. She wz n 11. mAbEz a 12.

dnt mean 2 b harsh & a ? bt im harsh & a ? & uz may az wel nos d truth. I sholdnt b here. Im BETTER dan dis. I wz tipped 4 d top. FutR England Captain dey usd 2 caL me – d FEC.

Other than your parents who has been the most influential person in your life?

Bobby Potts. Wz signed by Spurs YTS. Bobby ? me. He shldnt hav. I conned him. Ppl dont lIk 2?dis bt Im goin 2 tels u wot d wrld runs on. luk. Nuttin Ls. ⚽ iz n dfrnt.

I rememz w Bobby. 1st time. It wz a frezn sunday. I wz playin 4 St Francis U11s. 2 lads hadnt made kickoff 4 trafic so Iz shovd ^ frnt az a ringer. It wz complEt jokes. d pitch wz MASIF & I wz only a ½ ?. D othr kds wer giants nxt 2 me & went clatterin in2 evry tackle.

I wz  ? 2 b subbed wen we won a corner. Da cros hit a defender bt anotha bal wz fizzed bak in str8 @ me. I tries 2 duc. Its no disco wen a ⚽ connxs in da ❄. Only I shif wrng & sticks m nut in d way. It smackd off my face & pingged in d ?.

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!! ????

Appy days! NE soreness wz 4gottn az I wz mobbed by teamm8s. No1 had clocked dat I hadn’t mEnt it. Evry1 jst kept sayin wot a brilant header it wz.

Bobby askd 4 dads permision 2 hav a wrd aftRwrdz. Hs fAc wz big & scrnch lIk 1 of thOs ? w aL da skin. Wens he ? he wz propR northern & polite. He didnt caL me son o squire. He Usd my name:

? Now Michael how wud u lIk 2 plA a gAm @ Tottenham?

Yeah I’d lik that. I ?.

? Now Michael its not a promis U?. I dont mAk promises. bt you’ve shown me 2day U mite hav somtin.

We ?. Az I clutchd az mNE of Hs massive F@ fingers az poss pRt of me wntd 2 tel hims dat I’d jst got lckE. Only ther wz NothA tin whch sed 2 jst kEp m mouth shut & fleece d geez ?.

What’s your finest achievement?

d 1st 2 years of my procareer. I brOk in2 d Spurs 1st team wen I wz 19. Hd bcumd d cockiest ltl ba*d on d planet. I swears. I hdnt touched aNoth pros boots. Not a chance m8. frm dA 1 I wz the ? in d dressin rm.

d lads thawt it wz LOLs. calld me motor. fst on d pitch evN faster off it. alwys ? my gob off bout how friggin fly I wz. & 4 d most part I backed it ^ w performances.

In a year I wz a ? on starter n dat midfield. Puns sed I had a gud engN. It wz tru. I cd run box2box aL dA loooonnngggg. Dad had cn 2 dat w a wells strict fitNs & diet.

d nx season I wz picked 4 d ??? U21s. I shinned aNothA Emile Heskey n a qualifier. Again d luk wz ignorD. I wz prAzD 4 bn n d rght plAc @ d rght ⏰. d media thN picked ^ on ? Don Fabio mAd. He wz senior ??? mngr & told a bunch of ? dat I wasn’t fR off my 1st ful cap. dat da fans wz rIt. I wz a FEC.

Ovr d NXT 12 mths I wz n d zOn. evrtng turnD 2 £££ or goals. aftR trnsfer intRSt frm Utd I signed a nu 5-yr-con w Spurs wrth £50k a wk. I celebrated by scorin a blinder gAnst Derby. ltl Luca played me n & I caught d ⚽ plumb on d laces. Sweet. Top-corner. ? on MOTD.

Strikes lIk dat cn mAk U think yor ? dont stnk. U 4get d luk. evry shot o paS = luk. I 4get da luk.

& m luk turnD wen dads ran out. Nt lng aftR we watchD my Derby F4t win Goal of d Month he went 2 ? & didn’t wake ^. Had a hart tack n d nyt. Doc ? he didn’t fEl a tng. I sumtimz tink I wz lft 2 fEl it 4 him.

What are you looking for in another person?

Not n NE homo way bt some1 w dad’s charcter wud b ?. He wz mo thN jst kind. n our ? he wz lIk a fam superman. alwys ther 2 sAv d dA. wen he wz alive we wer lovin u no. dad cd handL mum’s diva & my sist’s dramas Ovr her ⚖.

life turnD 2 wank w/o him. d only tng dat kept d 3 of us tied 2geder wz my ???. We aL luvd spendin it. I wz in2 my Audis & mum & sis dored lux ?. It mAd the ? a lonely plAc.

Props 2 d gaffer & d lads. Dey tried 2 help. dey cd c I wz strugglin. That’s how I endD ^ n a casino. Ddly Dan forced me 2 cum out 1 nyt. He ? I had a kisser lIk a droppd pie & neded a ? or 12.

Appy days again. I wons £10k @ Blk Jack. Aft de wz ? + cigars + tabs of somTIN dat flew me off d edge of d ?. I woke ^ n a hotel suite w Casey sneakin a ? out d window.

Mornin sexy she ? w d filthiest ? I’d eva cn.

I didn’t hav chaNc 2 ? b4 she pounced & Usd her ? t fly me off d othR side of d ?. I kept it shhh dat I couldn’t remMbR her name o how we met. o dat she wz Marypoppins me.

How do you typically spend your free time?

ppl don’t realise dat footballers hav alot of frE ⏰. Trainin iz only a few hrs. Da res of ur ⏰ iz urs 2 fiL. Iz uz to d bear ? before Casey. Thns she took ovs & wez together dA & nite & m gAm feL part.

⚽ bcame bkgrnd. I ?  thru matches ½ ?ed. d press ?. d fans ?. Bt wz I bothered? Nah. I had nu bisness – partyin & fknin.

2 begin with d club gave me a paS for it. evry1 news how much dad hd mEnt 2 me & it wz a xcuse 4 Y i per formed so shocker. I h8 2 sas it bt?on t. & ad sympafy dried ^ wen evry1 found out hu I wz hookin ^ w. Casey wz weLs kown dn da Lane.

I srt of remMbR d day it hapnd. A team m8 clocked dat I wz ? n trainin. He belted da ⚽ & knocked me flys. thN he ran Ovr 2 soz bt he didnt soz.

? Do U knO you’ve turnD in2 a massive tw@ recently. Every1 tinks it.

& he wz right. Every1 wz tinkin I wz a massive tw@. De wz ? aLs ovr d shop.

A wk later it got worser. I missed a pen. I thawt it wz a chaNc 2 prov meself u no. I wz wrng. I scufed d ⚽ str8 @ d keeper tryin 2 Pirlo. Fknin idiot. It 404ed my plAc n d dressin rm.

Frm dA 1 Id Bin bang n d gaffer’s ?. I arriv bak aftR dickin d pen 2 & find my stuff aL Ovr d place. My nam had bin grafiteed w a ==) & iz shuntd 2 d ? of d benches.

I fronted lIk I didn’t cAR. n truth I wz ?.

Do you believe in fate?

yS. evrtng iz dwn 2 luk o chance o wutevs U wnt 2 caL it. Al da same.

my bad run continuD. I wz on d bench. 1st time evs. Only getin 10mins playin ⏰. & d chant stopped. My chant. d FEC 1. 1 wk dey wer ? it. d NXT dey wz ?.

Didnt fuss me thogh. I wz stil bn paid. And da lads wz avin a mare without me. I wz thinkin Id be back soon cause day neded me.

Bt den da gaffer got da ?. & dis real hrsh Jose rived. da fella didn’t spk mch english & wen he did it wznt 2 me. He wud hav got shot 4 suR f there’d bin a buyer bt ther wasn’t. My rep hd gone beyd the Lane.

That’s wen d drinkN got sears. I couldn’t kick a ⚽ w/o a cheeky tast & stoped carin hu new. My agent + d fans + d family + d club’s ?. dey aL tried 2 chat SOS. evN som ? frm d FA attpted 2 hav a shhh wrd. I refused 2 ?.

bless him ? Bobby stuck Hs oar n aftR a ? ran an exclusive – FALL OF d FEC. ther wz a ? of me arsin out a club w Casey nxt 2 a ? frm a yr earlia. Yeahs, I’d put on sm gut ?

Bobby wz w8N n d car park @ d trainin ground.

? Now den Michael. We nEd 2 b havN words.

? I’m runin la8 Bobby.

? I’m shocked U hEr. :o. wot dar tellin me. Im thinkin thats not my Michael. Nt w such a good dad & decent brain. A football brain.

? Bobby…

? You won’t b abL 2 blAm her u no. It’s aL U lad. I cd bloody weep son.

im not suR f you’ve eva wntd 2 knO wot it feels lIk 2 ?? coz I cn tel uz. coz dats wot I did. I loked at Bobby & ? FUCK OFF!

& I saws his ?

Do you have any regrets?

Ys. d bigest? My conviction 4 ?+?.

We wz @ dis event – me & Casey. d nyt wz windin & we got vited 2 nother ?. I news I wz t0 messedup 2 driV so we ? a cab. 10 mins d guy ?

40mins l8r & we wer d only numptEs stil w8N. Casey iz givN me bear grief 4 screwin ^ d bookin & its ?.

@ d time I wz stil thinkin my career wsnt ?. beginN of d nite Id hd evry gud tention of no ? 2 b fit 4 trainin. My car wz parked 2mins away.

So we tk shelts on d white lethR seats. I wz stil not tendin 2 driV. I wz t0 bizy fightin coz we wer arguin bg stylE. We RguD a lot. RguD thN fcked. Fcked thN RguD.

Casey finalE mAd a remRk bout da car not movin & I ?. I stuck d ? n & sped.

? Im impressed. Casey LOLz. Uve grown a ?. Wan a blowie?

I ignorD her & pt my toe ↓. Casey shrugged & bgan 2 do her ? n d mirra.

I lok ovr @ d lush ?. ahed ther wz a curve n d road bt steerin cd W8. Wz ? & cn’t hlp ?. I toL her how fne she wz & dat I lovd her. d sure way of getin dat blowjob. Casey ?. I ?. Next tng I remMbR iz her aaaaahs.

What were the last things that made you laugh and cry?

? = No injre 4 me & d club couldnt fnd enuf 2 ?my contract. dey hd 2 ? me out. n court I got a spended & drivin ban. My lawyer mAd d argument dat Casey hd stracted me.

? = d impact wz on Caseys side. Shes Anfield legs – will nevr wlk agen. Weve not ?

since d akcdnt. Iz tried 2 ? her mNE tims. Iz lIk 2 ? her 1 ting. Iz lIk 2 sA dat I wsh I cd swap places.

Where do you see yourself in fifteen years?

Tony Adams w a gf hu doesnt pt ^ w my ?. wed hav 2 kds & by then my ⏰ az a ⚽er wil b enuf in d past 4 me 2 tak em dwn d Lane. In da stadz Id hope 2 blnd in u no. jst b aNothA fan. Not scared of som idiot tappin me on d shulder n ? didnt u usd 2…

Anything else you would like to share with your matches?

Dis story hz got 2 b wrth a qickE  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

About Luke Melia

Luke Melia is a London based writer. His short stories have been published by The White Review, Unthank Books, and HISSAC.

Luke Melia is a London based writer. His short stories have been published by The White Review, Unthank Books, and HISSAC.

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