Photo by Tom Barrett on Unsplash

117th Congress  
An Act  
To amend the Voting Rights Act of 1965 to revise the criteria for determining which States, entities and persons are subject to the Act’s preclearance requirements, to establish voter registration protocols, and for other purposes.  
          Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,  
This Act may be cited as the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Voting Rights Act Reauthorization and Amendments Act of 2021.”  
(a) PURPOSE.—The purpose of this Act is to ensure that the right of all citizens to vote is preserved and protected as guaranteed by the Constitution.  
(b) FINDINGS.—The Congress finds the following:
(1) In the eight years since the Supreme Court’s decision in Shelby County v. Holder, several states have enacted voter suppression laws to prevent minorities from casting meaningful votes, surprising no one but Chief Justice John Roberts.
(2) In 2016, a large percentage of American voters decided it would be fun to let the Babadook be President. He was nearly reelected.  
(a)  Section 4(b) of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 (52 U.S.C. 10303(b)) is amended to read as follows:

“(b)(i) All post-Shelby changes to the respective election laws of Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Texas, and Virginia are hereby invalidated. Any future proposed changes to the election laws of these states must be precleared by the President of the Southern Poverty Law Center, Stacey Abrams, and Michelle Obama (collectively, the “Panel”).

(ii)  Each of the States listed in subsection (b)(i) is hereby penalized the use of one Senator for a period of six intervening Elections. The unused Senators shall be reassigned to the recently established States of Puerto Rico, District of Columbia, Top California, West Philly, Chicago, and Austin.
(iii) John Roberts is hereby barred from entering all National Parks.”      
Section 4(c) of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 (52 U.S.C. 10303(c)) is amended by inserting the following:  

“(cc)(1): Notwithstanding anything else in this Act regarding the prohibition of the use of tests and devices for the purpose or with the effect of denying or abridging the right to vote on account that a person does not “possess good moral character,” the following individuals must complete a voter registration application before each Election in which they wish to vote:

(A) persons owning timeshares, commemorative coin collections, or MyPillow® Mattress Toppers;  

(B) persons who carry a pocket-size copy of the Constitution with them at all times;    

(C) past or present members, shareholders, or representatives of:
(i) poorly-regulated militias;
(ii) Mar-a-Lago;
(iii) The Federalist Society;
(iv) or for-profit colleges;  

(D) anyone who has ever posted the following:  
“Thanks for the tip to circumvent Facebook… Works!! I have a whole new profile. I see posts from people I didn’t see anymore. Facebook’s new algorithm picks the same people – around 25-who will see your posts. Hold your finger anywhere in this post and click ‘copy.’ Go to your page where it says, ‘what’s on your mind.’ Tap your finger anywhere in the empty field. Click paste. This is going to circumvent the system. Hello new and old friends!’”  

(E) All persons owning both a tiki torch and a copy of Mein Kampf;  

(F) Tucker Carlson.  

“(cc)(2): Prospective voters covered by Section (cc)(1) shall complete the registration application forms as promulgated by the Federal Election Commission and send the completed and notarized forms via United States Postal Service in an envelope showing such a dated cancellation mark which is not later than the three hundred fiftieth day before the next ensuing primary, general or special election.  

(cc)(3): All applications timely received shall be reviewed and approved by the Panel, just as soooooooon as it can get around to it.


Read Cook

Read is a graduate of Texas A&M University and Baylor Law School. His work has been published in the York Literary Review, Longshot Island, and anthologized in Leaving Home.

Read is a graduate of Texas A&M University and Baylor Law School. His work has been published in the York Literary Review, Longshot Island, and anthologized in Leaving Home.

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