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“Bride side or groom?”
“Groom. I assume Bride?”
“Yeah, I’m Emily’s boyfriend. Emily is…”
“The bride’s sister, right?”
“…her sister—yeah, that’s right.”
“I’m Tom’s college roommate.”
“Awesome. Tom went to Bates?”
“Colby.”
“Knew it was one of those.”
“Totally.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…I hate these things.”
“Oh yeah. Sure. I pretty much only know the family, and they’re all more involved than I am.”
“Aren’t you in some photos or at the big table?”
“Well, Emily and I haven’t been dating very long.”
“Gotcha. How long?”
“Month and a half.”
“Nice that you got an invite! Must be going well…”
“It’s going—yeah, it’s going great. But I think it would have felt weird for everyone if I was in the photos.”
“Right, I mean—what if you break up next week?”
“Right, I mean…”
“No offense.”
“None taken. I know what you’re saying.”
“Right.”
“I didn’t ask about photos, no one asked me, seems like we’re all on the same page. It’s only my second time meeting the family.”
“That must have been stressful, wondering how involved you were gonna be?”
“A little I guess, but it’s been great. Honestly, I haven’t done much. I’m eating and hanging out.”
“You must have gotten here early, yeah?”
“Eight AM.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. Been around for a while. Worked on my phone a bit. I also explored every inch of this place.”
“Any highlights?”
“Well, there’s a lot of rooms we’re not using.”
“Really?”
“All of that in there…that is half of the room.”
“What?”
“See that wall? That’s an enormous moveable false wall.”
“Like in a school cafeteria or something?”
“Yes, exactly.”
“I wouldn’t have noticed.”
“Right, they’ve hidden it well with the décor.”
“Yeah.”
“Also, it’s so tall, I feel like…”
“You’d never assume it would move.”
“Right. If you go through the stairs and around, there’s a whole other half.”
“Wow.”
“For really big weddings.”
“This is medium?”
“I guess.”
“How many?”
“250.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah, so someone’s having 500 person weddings.”
“At that point, it’s a concert.”
“Ha, right.”
“I mean, even now, it’s all very, uh, no offense—performative.”
“No, none taken. You’re right, not as intimate.”
“I don’t mean it’s fake.”
“Sure.”
“Just that there’s a lot of people watching at that point!”
“Oh, totally. Off-Broadway size.”
“Ha!”
“I found a prayer room.”
“Whoa.”
“Yeah, for more religious weddings I guess.”
“Huh.”
“Compass on the ground”
“For?”
“Mecca.”
“Whoa. Cool.”
“Yeah.”
“Neat.”
“Yep. Fun little room. Compass was part of the carpet.”
“There’s lots of little, like, bridal suites and things I take it?”
“Yes. Haven’t explored those, obviously.”
“This place is just for weddings then?”
“And bar mitzvahs and stuff, I bet. But yeah, just built for events.”
“Feels a little—no offense—a little antiseptic that way.”
“I hear you, none taken.”
“Right.”
“Not my wedding.”
“Yeah, just a little…I dunno.”
“There’s something nice about a wedding in a barn.”
“That’s what I’m saying!”
“Or an old converted warehouse.”
“Or even a nice yard.”
“I went to a great wedding at a summer camp.”
“Really?”
“Yep. In Vermont.”
“In the woods?”
“Yes and no. It was a very upscale camp.”
“Gotcha. For rich kids.”
“Definitely. Not like the camp I went to.”
“Uh huh.”
“And there was a beautiful cantilevered space in the forest, like a covered outdoor theater.”
“This was a summer wedding?”
“Early June before school was out.”
“Ah.”
“It was great, people could rent—you could rent cabins at the camp.”
“See, this is more my style.”
“A lot of people stayed off grounds in the nearby town, the older generation especially.”
“Sure.”
“And the couple stayed in a suite at a B&B. But most of the wedding party crashed at the camp.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. There was a big bon fire. It felt very nice without feeling cheap.”
“That sounds lovely.”
“It was great. Few years ago now.”
“…”
“…”
“So, you and…Emily? Getting along well it sounds like?”
“Yeah. So far so good.”
“How’d you two meet?”
“Ha.”
“If you don’t mind me asking.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just a bit of…a bit of a story.”
“Who doesn’t love a good meet cute?”
“Well, it’s not quite that.”
“You don’t have to go into it if you don’t want to, obviously.”
“No, it’s not—It’s not difficult to discuss…”
“Right.”
“It just…it makes me seem a little weirder than I am. Weirder than I think I am, at least.”
“I won’t judge.”
“…”
“…”
“Well, I, uh—I found her number written on a piece of paper in the park.”
“Really?”
“Yep. That’s the shortest version of the story.”
“That’s the lede.”
“Ha, yeah. That’s the hook.”
“Well, color me hooked. Like, it was—where was the paper?”
“I was out walking in Prospect Park…”
“Where in the park?”
“Ok, you know it?”
“Yeah, I used to live down there and would run in the park.”
“Great. So, uh—where did you start from.”
“What?”
“Your jog.”
“Oh I see. Grand Army.”
“Great, so right before mile 2.”
“This is going counter-clockwise?”
“Yes, with traffic.”
“Ha, very specific.”
“We’ve got, what’s it called, on a map?”
“…”
“We’ve got…information density.”
“Don’t know that term.”
“I think that’s right.
“Hmm.”
“Anyways, by the lake down there, with the birds, where the road is close to the water.”
“Yeah.”
“So, I’m walking along and I pick up a piece of paper.”
“You just pick up trash?”
“Well—it was a list. It caught my eye.”
“Right.”
“I like it when I find some little personal piece of something, you know?”
“I gotcha. Like a grocery list, and you play in your mind, ‘who is this person?’”
“Yes, so, this piece of paper—it’s got exactly that—it’s torn in half…”
“Uh huh.”
“And it says, like, ‘Bread, Eggs, Fiji, Oatmeal, Frozen Pizza,’ you know.”
“Oh, it’s actually a grocery list.”
“Right. But then, below it is a phone number.”
“So, it’s not her list.”
“Right, I got there…”
“Right, because why…”
“…why would you write your own phone number on your grocery list.”
“Right, that’s insanity.”
“And then below the phone number is a birthdate, and what to me looks like a Social Security Number.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah.”
“Weird!”
“Right, I can tell because it’s got the same shape as mine, it’s, you know, number number number—number number—number number number number.”
“Right. I think some older ones are different maybe?”
“I dunno.”
“Right.”
“Ok, so I…”
“This is great by the way.”
“Oh. Thanks.”
“I know we’re not even there yet, but I love stuff like this, little mysteries.”
“Ha. Thank you.”
“So, you call the number…”
“Yes, well, I wouldn’t normally do something like that.”
“Right.”
“But then I start thinking, well, it’s obviously not the phone number of this person who wrote the grocery list.”
“Right.”
“And probably not their SSN either, right?”
“Right.”
“I mean, it could be.”
“Sure, like I think I know mine by heart now. But I didn’t always.”
“Right. It’s possible.”
“Yeah. I could see someone writing down their own SSN.”
“Sure. But then I’m also thinking, this person doesn’t want this info out there.”
“Right, you don’t want your identity stolen.”
“So, here’s the possibilities, as I saw them.”
“I love it.”
“Oh yeah, I thought through it.”
“You were intrigued by the paper.”
“Totally.”
“I’d be too.”
“Yeah.”
“So, the options.”
“Right, the options.”
“Option one.”
“Option one, is this person wrote down, like, a phone number of someone, and then someone else’s SSN, maybe a family member.”
“Right, like they needed to fill out paperwork.”
“That the numbers are unconnected.”
“Right.”
“In which case, they don’t really care. Don’t want an SSN out there, but unconnected to a name, it’s not that big of a deal, I guess?”
“Right.”
“Option two is that the phone number, birthdate, and SSN are all the same person’s.”
“Right.”
“Which means if I was a criminal, I could really, uh, do some damage.”
“Right”
“If I found out this person’s name with their phone number, then I could easily commit identity theft.”
“Credit cards, loans, etcetera.”
“Totally. So, if that was me, and I knew I’d written that stuff down…”
“I see…”
“…and I lost it, I’d be stressing.”
“So, they’re out there nervous about it.”
“Right. So, I could maybe call this number, let the person know I found it. They can tell the person who wrote this down that someone found it and destroyed it…
“You’re assuming it’s a family member or someone close.”
“In my mind, if the phone number is connected to the SSN and birthday, I’m thinking that the person with the phone number gave the person who wrote it down the info, for employment paperwork or some family business.”
“Right.”
“And then last option in my mind is that this is a piece of paper from some kind of identity thief.”
“Who was also going to do some grocery shopping.”
“Everyone’s gotta eat.”
“Very true.”
“Unlikely, but I dunno—once I get intrigued…it’s a little embarrassing…”
“No, no. I totally get it. Sometimes something grabs you and you can’t get it out of your mind”
“Exactly, I mean—I’m giving you bare bones here, but I mentally traveled far down each of these possibilities.”
“I can’t watch those true crime things.”
“Oh, I love those.”
“I get too invested.”
“Oh, definitely.”
“I’d be out there trying to figure out if what’s his name murdered Hae Min.”
“Right. So maybe that’s part of my issue.”
“It’s an escape a bit, to imagine.”
“Yeah.”
“There used to be this building across from mine at an old job. And this one window in the office building was papered over.”
“Huh.”
“And every other window in this upscale office building was normal. And it was one of those buildings that was all glass, you know?
“Yeah.”
“And I really wanted to know why that window was papered shut.”
“That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about.”
“I came up with all these reasons. It was a photo room, a changing area for an executive, etcetera”
“And?”
“And one week the paper was gone.”
“What?”
“The company moved and whatever it was—you know, they moved out of the space.”
“And you never found out?”
“And I never found out.”
“I would have gone over there.”
“To the other office?”
“Yeah, and like, asked someone.”
“I wanted to, I really did.”
“I would have done it.”
“Yeah, I really wanted to.”
“When I said my story makes me look weirder than I am, I guess I meant more broadly weird.”
“Ha.”
“I am specifically weird in this respect. I don’t mind an embarrassing interaction when I’m curious about something.”
“Oh, that’s mortifying to me.”
“Yeah.”
“Like, I’ll imagine that I don’t mind, but then I can’t get the courage to do it.”
“Totally. You build up to it.”
“I’m sorry, I side tracked us. You obviously call the number.”
“Yes. I call the number, and it’s Emily.”
“…”
“…”
“And what? And now you’re dating!?”
“Well…yeah. Ha.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I said ‘Hey, you know, this is really weird, but I found a piece of paper in the park with a grocery list and a social security number and a birthday and then this phone number on it, and—you know—I wanted to just call and say I found this.’”
“And she was like, ‘Let’s date?’”
“She had me read the SSN, and I read it, and it was hers.”
“And she didn’t know how or who wrote this.”
“She had no idea.”
“And the birthday?”
“Birthday matched. She had no idea.”
“She hadn’t given her SSN to someone recently?”
“Nope, not at all.”
“Oh my god.”
“Maybe someone, like, at work, for a file or something? I dunno…”
“But, like, at work? A grocery list?”
“Maybe? I’ve done it. But…”
“It didn’t feel like work paper.”
“Right.”
“Interesting…”
“So I say, ‘Look I’m gonna destroy it,’ and she says ‘Actually, can I have it?’”
“Huh.”
“Like, she wants to make a police report maybe, or just have it in case.”
“Smart. Smart.”
“So, I say sure, I can drop it off.”
“Wow. I can’t believe this is how you met.”
“And we met up at Konditori three days later, and I handed her the paper.”
“Like, that’s crazy.”
“And I start by telling her the story in more detail of how I found it, and why I called.”
“Yeah.”
“And she asks me some questions. I think to feel out, like, if I was the weirdo…”
“Ah, that’s really smart.”
“Right. I didn’t think of that until we met.”
“She wants to meet in case you’re the one who’s actually trying to scam her.”
“Yeah.”
“Wow.”
“And she asks me, you know, where do I live and where do I work and…”
“Wowzers.”
“Yeah, and we just sort of, I dunno, started chatting.”
“Amazing.”
“And she’s really easy to talk to, and we chatted for maybe thirty minutes, you know, and the time goes by like that.”
“Wow. And you ask her out.”
“No, no, I honestly didn’t consider it, though she was obviously cute. But I was so worried about seeming creepy, it didn’t even cross my mind.”
“So?”
“Well, she texted me the next week to thank me again and let me know that she had called the police station, and that the cops said they wouldn’t or couldn’t do anything because no crime had been committed, and that she had registered for fraud alert, and to say thank you again for, uh, you know, being proactive.”
“Wow.”
“And I said no prob, and made a joke, like a little callback to something from the coffee shop.”
“Wowzers.”
“And I dunno, it felt like—like you know that thing in middle school where—did you call girls in middle school?”
“Of course.”
“And just talk?”
“Yes, all the time. I went to an all-boys school, so this was a major pastime.”
“Oh man, I can’t even imagine.”
“Yeah, lots of phone calls. And AIM.”
“RIP.”
“Yeah, RIP AIM.”
“Well—it felt like that thing where how you knew you liked somebody and they liked you back was when you were both looking for ways to stay on the phone.”
“Yes, I know what you’re talking about”
“Like, you both kept asking questions and prolonging the conversation so it didn’t have to end.”
“Totally.”
“And that happened a bit in the coffee shop and then again in the text thread.”
“Man.”
“And at the end she said, well, you know, maybe I’ll see you at the coffee shop again.”
“Wow.”
“And I said, ha, sure, same time Friday?”
“Like, same time you met the first time?”
“Yeah.”
“Amazing.”
“And she said, you know, yeah, sure.”
“Wow.”
“And I—I was interested, but it was also something I could claim was a joke.”
“Right, plausible deniability.”
“Yeah. Well, I went to the shop Friday, not really expecting anything, but just doing work on my laptop and thinking, you know, maybe she’d feel the same.”
“Wow.”
“And she did, she came in, and we got, you know, coffee. And we chatted that afternoon and had dinner that night, too.”
“This is a keeper of a meeting story.”
“And we’ve been dating since. Month and a half. Almost two.”
“I think that you’re in love.”
“Yeah, I think that’s likely.”
“Is that a weird thing to say?”
“This is—I mean maybe to most people, but this is a specific type of thing that doesn’t bother me.”
“It’s like, lived up?”
“To?”
“To the, you know, mystery?”
“I mean, it’s been great. But I know her now. I don’t think if it was just the mystery that it would be workable.
“Right.”
“She’s just really easy to talk to and when we’re together time just passes like a really big, slow river or something. I dunno.”
“Like the Mississippi.”
“Exactly. It’s hard to see it moving even, at spots.”
“Right.”
“But then, you know, there’s a lot of water going somewhere.”
“That’s beautiful.”
“Hey, thanks.”
“Did you make that up?”
“Might have heard it somewhere. I have no idea…”
“Right, hard to say, sometimes something just gets in your brain.”
“Yeah.”
“Save it for your vows, you know?”
“Speaking of which, I should probably get back in there.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s a good length for a smoke break”
“Especially since you didn’t smoke.”
“Yeah, I don’t smoke.”
“Nice to meet ya, see you in there.”
“Yeah, see you in there.”
“What’d you say your name was again?”
By Rick Andrews
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