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On Monday November 9th the world gasped for two reasons and neither of them were nationalist for a change. The first gasp came from the mouth and was soon followed by long suppressed and prolonged hiss from the ass. The first one came in admiration and the second, out of envy. Other headlines paled into insignificance. That Joe Biden was announced to have been elected the 46th President of the United States was no surprise even though it might have been entirely unexpected to all those who are making America great. Because they might have expected that the guys recounting Pennsylvania on the weekend were also the kind who want to make America great. That Trump immediately launched a flurry of legal cases, made all those who want to make America great, and all those who do not, also yawn. That Trump was the first incumbent to lose after George Bush in 1992 (the son—not the father who we never laughed at), made all those who do not want to make America great, yawn, while those who want to make it (America—in case there is any doubt) great, also yawn, because now they were convinced that for a change, Trump would prevail, legally. In Britain all those who want to make Britain great, felt the same. And in India, all those who want to make India great, and those in Brazil, who want to make Brazil great—all felt the same. That Trump will prevail, and legally, for a change. Also because the Supreme Court was in his hip pocket and therefore right under his ass. That Biden had 290 electoral college votes then and Trump had 214, did not matter, because as mythology tells us, evil always wins if it can brand itself as good, even if history tells us otherwise. The streets in America were of course full of people celebrating Biden’s victory, and therefore confirming that now Americans do not want to make America great. Biden gave a speech, but that also evoked a yawn as any speech for unity will in any country that has fewer but noisier people who want to make it great. That Kamala Harris spoke what she spoke was no surprise mainly because she normally speaks what she speaks and little else. That Trump’s attorney immediately held a press conference was no surprise either, and in fact the choice of venue, between a crematorium and porn shop, was rather apt. That Justin Trudeau, Macron, Angela Merkel, and even Boris Johnson, congratulated Biden and that Bolsonaro and Modi did not, came as no surprise to both camps – the make-America-great camp and the WTF-does-‘make-America-great’-even-mean camp. Then came the unsurprising news on the total number of confirmed Covid cases in the US touching 10 million with 237,000 deaths. That it is decidedly more than 47,000 Americans killed in the Vietnam war, was now old news and therefore no longer a surprise. No one gasped.
But then it came—that gasp.
Drug maker Pfizer announced that its early data from a large clinical trial showed that its vaccine cuts Covid cases by more than 90 percent. Now that the global coronavirus cases were topping 50 million, the whole world gasped. From its mouth. It was 6.45am that day when Pfizer drafted and issued its press release. Pfizer Chairman and CEO, Dr. Albert Bourla called it a great day for science and humanity. He called it ‘a much-needed breakthrough to bring an end to this global health crisis’. The gasping spread like a virus to the stock market as Pfizer shares zoomed 7 percent. And then as Albert Bourla sold 62 percent of his stock for USD 5.6 Mn at an all-time high, the gasp retracted back into the alimentary canal of humanity and came out from down below as a long suppressed, prolonged smelly hiss of science and envy. And this was not ‘Insider Trading’, because apparently, under the law, Insider Trading is not Insider Trading when an Insider does the Trading. Sounds confusing? The only way to explain complexities of corporate law and governance in plutocracies like America is through an analogy. So this one can be likened to a murder not being considered a murder if it is well planned and premeditated, and not spontaneous! You still don’t get it? Then live with it! Anyway, you got your vaccine, sucker, so stop cribbing. Don’t be leftist. Don’t grudge the other guy his money. Do some hard work like they do in plutocracies that promise the American dream. Do what the Pfizer fucker did. Invent some dubious shit that has to be stored at the temperature of planet Venus, but on Earth, inject it into some morons who have no fucking choice, and don’t forget to set your bloody alarm clock to sell those damn shares on time. Instead of sitting on your fucking leftist nates and farting in envy every time an entrepreneur makes money with such backbreaking hard work such as setting an alarm clock to sell shares! Idiots.
Good. Now let’s get on with the story.
But before you criticize Dr. Albert Bourla, the great custodian of Science and humanity, and label him as an insider-trader simply because he was, then let me also tell you that the great man is not alone in his great deed. Stephane Bancel, the CEO of the other vaccine hero, Moderna, sold stock worth (now hold your fucking breath you fucking impoverished leftist before it again comes out of your green grudging ass) at a whopping USD 49.8mn. Dear Indians, to get the rupee equivalent, please multiple this by 73.11 because that is the multiple with which your hoary holiness has screwed your currency; Brazilians, please multiply with 5.46 and vote carefully next time and remember: if the bugger wore a uniform once, then there is a strong chance that his only relationship with ‘intelligence’ is with the intelligence corps of the army. Incidentally, Stephane Bancel is also covered under the same immunity called the ‘10b5-1 plan’, the Insider Trading equivalent of a murder not being a murder if it is well planned and premeditated. Clearly, the world has moved on from the time American Banker Sandy Weill who was born in 1933 and therefore wasted so much money in philanthropy. Bloody generation of wasters. Not surprising that Sandy made his top honchos swear that they would not sell their stock in the company till they retired or left. Stupid guy. Bloody leftist. Obsessed with education and values. Just the kind of guy who would never make America great.
Moving on. Enough of leftist flatulence.
So now the world was gasping like mad and from the wrong end. All the nationalist rulers were taken by surprise because instead of their respective nations, America was looking great again, thanks to Pfizer with a Pee. The Russians with their nationalistically named Sputnik were kicking themselves. True to tradition, Russia had come first but America was pretending that it had. What had happened once in space, was now happening on mother earth. Also, Boris Johnson, the earliest to announce work on the Oxford vaccine, was now looking like he had started counting his chickens before the mother hen was born and well before she had even ovulated. And Modi, after having failed to impress the world that Remdesivir was a cure for Covid (because at the end of the day cow piss is hardly exclusively Indian because cows piss in every country and in that showy way although it is only in India that cow piss has the temerity to look down on a bottle of Isabella’s Islay or a Glenfiddich Janet Sheed Roberts Reserve 1955), was now scratching the desiccated Christmas tree on his chin and calling his ‘scientists’ at the nationalist company Bharat Biotech in Hyderabad and asking them in the nasal Hindi equivalent of “Motherfuckers-are-you-fucking-ashleep-where-the-fuck-ijj-the-Hindian-vakseen!” It took a while for Modi to move his shaggy fuzz aside and notice that right under his proboscis was another Indian vaccine that was showing the promise of a birth nearly as premature as Pfizer. And a hero was born! Indians suddenly got to know of a thing called Serum Institute of India, apparently the world’s largest vaccine manufacturing facility (because till Covid had struck, vaccine manufacturing was as lucrative as making bicycles for a car market so only a sleepy stupid company would be making it) which had a tie up to make the Oxford vaccine in India. Modi immediately decided to go to Pune to personally see the vaccine facility even though the closest and most high tech vaccine like thing Modi understands is the behind of a cow from which a river of urea and creatinine can fall in a sacred spray without warning. Regardless it was a good excuse to take a joy ride in his billion dollar plane which he had bought after seeing Trump’s Air Force One and after forgetting that the size of the Indian economy was well on its way to becoming half the cost of the plane. And so in Pune, the deal was struck. But the British name ‘Oxford’ continued to haunt Modi like a cow mooing under his bed at night. So once again he called up Bharat Biotech and asked in the Hindi equivalent of “Motherfuckers-are-you-fucking-ashleep-where-the-fuck-ijj-the-Hindian-vakseen!” And presto Bharat Biofake was ready! But wait . . . wait, we’ll come to this after covering some other ground, ground that came before this ground.
Now, with the vaccines having tested ‘well’, American media decided that news of this kind cannot be allowed to settle so easily. With Trump gone, and the virus nearly gone (we live in more gutter hope than utter hope), Media suddenly felt like a Hollywood star being told one fine day that people will stop watching movies Monday onwards. So now, the media set about describing the task of vaccination as a space program, although by any account, it is actually as easy as poking somebody’s ass, but was now being made to sound like a logistical challenge of an unimaginable order. It also took a while for many countries to suddenly figure that if they had never stored anything ever at minus 70 degrees Celsius, then they couldn’t possibly have the wherewithal of doing so for the insider-traded vaccine. That gave Modi a good reason to stroke the forest on his chin and once again call up Bharat Biotech and ask in the Hindi equivalent of “Motherfuckers-are-you-fucking-ashleep-where-the-fuck-ijj-the-Hindian-vakseen!” And presto Bharat Biofake was ready! Wait, wait, we’ll come to this after covering some more ground, the ground that came before this ground.
Now finally it was clear that the number of people in the world greatly outnumbered the number of vaccine units. And so some priority lists were drawn. But anyone who fell into the list felt as lucky as a Jew in front of Hitler’s gas chamber. Naturally, now there was a battle to claim credibility with the nationalist assertion of my-vaccine-is-better than-yours. In September, Trump (whose closest exposure to something that is vaccine-like is that something shaped similarly albeit much smaller, right below his own belt) had been quite excited that there would be a vaccine before elections to make America great and in fact had said there would be one before ‘fall’. Which ‘fall’? His fall? . . . But it was on December 11th , the FDA granted emergency use authorization to Pfizer’s insider-trading vaccine Comirnaty. Soon Comirnaty also got emergency authorization in the UK and the injections started on December 8th with an 81 year old man William Shakespeare (not kidding). Demand now started coming from other countries after the vaccine found favor with Trump’s buddy WHO giving it an emergency use listing. But in January, the virus decided to outwit insider traders by spawning variants. That both Pfizer and Moderna are mRNA vaccines was as worthy of discussion amongst common man as Jews debating on the technical composition of one gas and another in Hitler’s gas chamber. Indeed on Dec 18th the FDA gave emergency use authorization to Moderna as well and so the second gas was also available after a far heftier bout of insider trading. Interestingly, Moderna had tested several mRNA based vaccines for other diseases in the past but had yet to successfully create one. But now the US government bankrolled Moderna for the same technology with USD 1 billion in support. When they found that it was tested successfully on monkeys, they reasoned that at the very least it will certainly work on republicans and all those who make nations great. On 30,000 volunteers (likely republicans) it was fairly successful, so much so that the US government gifted Moderna USD 1 Bn more. And Moderna also struck gold with Canada, EU, Israel and UK as well. Or shall we simply say NATO?
But of course, the Russians never give up, do they? The Gamaleya Research Institute’s Sputnik V is now back with a back with a bang with its results published in the Lancet on February 3rd, just this Tuesday. As far back as last spring, the institute director Alexander Gintsburg had injected himself with it. In fact he had given the vaccine to his wife, daughter and grand-daughter as well. Recall Putin’s daughter had also taken a jab, something that Ivanka Trump never did, nor did any of Boris Johnson’s parade of sons and daughters and the less we say about Modi the more he deserves that lesser is said. Now in mid-August Putin announced its approval even while NATO sulked and pretended to look other way and claimed that testing on a few dozen volunteers does not a vaccine make especially when a billion Indian claims on cow piss being a cure for everything except mental malady (for which it is often a cause) was not being accepted by the world. But of course the Russians never give up, do they? Even before the Phase 3 trials Russia distributed more vaccines than vodka and by December it was available widely. Interestingly, by Spring, in Russia’s Gamaleya Research Institute of Epidemiology and Microbiology (named after Nikolay Gamaleya who apprenticed under Louis Pasteur, the grand dad of vaccination), the researchers had already tested the prototype on themselves and all 1200 employees were vaccinated. The institute is known to be fully familiar with the adenovirus vector based vaccine and so they needed no time to get to the task. Moreover RDIF, the wealth fund backing Sputnik V, studied twenty other Russian vaccines before finalizing this one. And the mid December Phase 3 trials of Sputnik were not a sham in sample size like its western counterparts. It was a solid sample of 23,000 and an efficacy of 91.4 percent. It was with this confidence that Putin called it ‘the best vaccine in the world’ and not because he had personally been injected with all the others and turned into Putin. Also, Russia was using a more credible vaccine, a vector vaccine, newer than the inactivated type, but with a longer track record than the mRNA based one that Pfizer and Moderna were experimenting with.
But Putin’s claim made Modi called up Bharat Biofake and ask the Hindi equivalent of, “Motherfuckers-are-you-fucking-ashleep-where-the . . .”. Trump of course was chewing nails (Pence’s) and thinking about the Biden virus that was taking over America. Johnson was still trying to uncomb his hair, blocking calls from some more women, and battling the self-inflicted virus of Brexit and the cursed demands of British parliamentary democracy, and trying not to go the Theresa May way. Meanwhile more and more countries approved Sputnik V but the EU frowned at the available data the Russians produced earlier. But all that changed when The Lancet likened Sputnik V like sex is to a sanyasi – a hermit who has been conned into abstinence. Irresistible. And now the sizzler is all set to take over the world. To produce the number of doses required, Russia is tying up with various countries and so now you know how the resistance to the Russians is melting. Now, from countries where Insider trading is legal in stock markets to countries where stock markets are barely legal, Sputnik V is all set to orbit with its sexy non mRNA non insider traded vaccine with its over 91 percent efficacy certified by The Lancet. And it is all set to roll even into Europe with Hungary’s Viktor Orban showing the middle finger to the EU’s European Medicines Agency by registering it on their own, and Angela Merkel, sniffing an opportunity, offers ‘joint production’ to Putin. On that note why do we hear Boney M singing ‘Ohh those Russians!’ And by the way, the Russians haven’t stopped. They are now making variants, including a lighter single-dose version.
Coming to University of Oxford and its British-Swedish partner AstraZeneca. Well life was a little complicated here but was blessed by NATO. When they published the first scientific paper of phase 3 clinical trial, it raised quite a few eyebrows. Although eyebrows can’t go much higher ever since the right wing chimps are leading majority governments with minority votes in all fucked democracies. So the Phase 2/3 trials had happened in the United Kingdom and India (where it goes by the name Covishield) and Phase 3 trials moved to Brazil, South Africa and the US as well. But on September 6th, they halted global trials to investigate one volunteer with complications. But a week later, all trials mysteriously resumed except in the US but soon, a volunteer in Brazil died. The saga of bloomers continued with reports of dosing errors in testing followed by reports of inadequate sample sizes for data. Now if you are a student of statistics, after reading what follows here, you may never take any vaccine ever again. So the sample was something like this (not kidding, no satire in this part). 160 people aged 18 to 55 (latter numeral inspired by the number of wives Solomon had), 160 between 56 and 69 (the vaccine should be named after the latter numeral if you ask me—something like Kamasutra 69), 240 people were 70 or older. On this microscopic sample testing, so far so good. But on Nov 23rd, they announced good efficacy on the basis of 131 cases in the UK and Brazil. Of the two doses administered to volunteers, those first doses which were half-strength (all were not) showed an efficacy of 90 percent but two standard dose shots showed a measly 62 percent. So did it merely mean that the lower dose showed better results? No, sir. Turned out that there was a dosing error in the lower dose in terms of how it was measured. Also turned out that the lower dose was only given to those under 55. Did I hear you say What The Fuck? Anyway. The vaccine trials now mimic British democracy trying out Boris Johnson. But such trivialities of failed or useless testing results cannot hamper the march of NATO, can it? So the UK and Argentina gave emergency approval (the nomenclature for treating humans as guinea pigs) on Dec 30 and India did so on Jan 3rd. In any case India has been battling over population and by Indian standards the virus has been slow. Anyway. Now there is something that NATO was careful to do on the quiet without alarming its respective constituencies of all those who want to make their respective nations great. Oxford AstraZeneca tied up with Sputnik V to improve the efficacy of their fuck-all vaccine, the trial for which will happen in early 2021. Shhhhhhhhhh! Again I hear Boney M taking off on ‘Ohh those Russians!’
So, guess what.
What happens in visible foreign policy in contrast to underhand deal-making by heads of state, was happening here too. Each fellow was using the vaccine as a weapon of naked nationalism publicly but hiding its shambolism with ‘joint production’, alliances, tie ups with his equally sick counterpart leading another country.
And that should bring us to China, the newfound obsession of all losers big and small. The nation that takes markets without striking crony deals. Here, the Chinese company (what else) CanSino Biologics was quietly developing (what else) in partnership with China’s (what else) Institute of Biology at the nation’s Academy of Military Medical Sciences (what a confession!) their virus . . . er typo . . . their vaccine: Convedicia (why do the first three letters of the word worry NATO?). And as far back as last May, they showed solid Phase 1 results (Ohh! Those Chinese!) and then even more solid Phase 2 results in July, making Gujaratis in India fume and then resolve to commit suicide by taking an Indian vaccine. And as far back as on June 25th (a date associated with the birth of seriously funny people), the Chinese military (who else) approved it for emergency use. To protest non-violently, the Indian army lost territory to the PLA in Ladakh. The successful introduction of Convedicia went unnoticed in the rest of the world because it was only reported in Global Times which has a very vast readership but of only members of the Chinese politburo besides foreign affairs ministries of losers big and small. Modi, never the one to not respond, has decided to now make the Great Wall of China (the order is being placed on a Chinese company) around Delhi for now, and against terrorists in the guise of protesting farmers, who are strangely using tractors instead of armored vehicles. After Trump’s Mexican wall failed miserably, Modi was greatly inspired. Anyway. Meanwhile the Chinese vaccine Phase 3 trials are on in Pakistan, Russia, Mexico and Chile—who else—and that tells us how the World War 3 allies and axis powers will stack up. The vaccine may be fuck-all for tackling the virus, but there was never a better keyhole to check who sleeps with whom.
Meanwhile here is some more data to prove that even a tiny virus can outwit the human race. When Johnson & Johnson (another guy on his way to make hay while the virus shines) released its trial data and their vaccine showed an efficacy of 72 percent in America (that’s good because even American democracy hasn’t shown 72 percent efficacy), 66 percent in Latin America and 57 percent in South Africa. It seems the poor result in South Africa was the result of the new virus variant there. But that didn’t stop the federal government from giving a USD 1bn aid to Johnson & Johnson although it is conditional to the approval of the vaccine. But going by the history of all vaccines, isn’t approval inevitable? It is like saying Trump will be impeached provided Biden gives approval. Or like saying Modi will be PM again provided Electronic Voting Machines are used. But to use my favorite word:
Now there are scores of more vaccines being readied and they will be so many that they may well beat the original virus in sheer numbers and in actually causing infections! But
I’ve kept the best for the last.
See, one fine morning, the phone rang in the city of Hyderabad in South India. And on the other side was a familiar voice that came from behind a burnt white pubic bush from the nose. And the voice said (in case you’ve never heard this one before): “Motherfuckers-are-you-fucking-ashleep-where-the-fuck-ijj-the-Hindian-vakseen!” And presto Bharat Biofake was ready this time. In collaboration with the Indian Council of Medical Research and the National Institute of Virology, the Hindian company Bharat Biotech had designed Covaxin, based on an inactivated form of virus. Modi had insisted that the virus (Oops! Sorry . . . vaccine) must be first tried on monkeys and hamsters if it had any hope of being effective on their blood brothers—the members of his ruling party. The Phase 1 and 2 trials showed that it did not cause any serious side effects. But then when did water ever cause side effects? On October 23, when Biofake announced that it was going into Phase 3 trials, Modi shouted the “Yipeeee!” equivalent in Hindi which is: “HAI! HAI! HAI! WAAH BEY! KYA BAAT HAI REEEE! TERI TOH! BEHENCHO . !” and took a joy ride in his USD 1bn plane to see his girlfriend in the Himalayan meadows of Himachal Pradesh. There they danced in showers of freezing cow piss. The Hindu right wing terror group was thrilled to the gills and danced in loin cloth on the orange trees of Nagpur. Some of them got injured while cavorting. Home Minister Amit Shah was thrilled. In sheer joy, he shot dead a judge of the Supreme Court. Rumors have it that cows sighed all over North India with great relief that hordes of young men will not stare at their private parts anymore in the name of naturopathy. On December 22nd, Covaxin followed the standard script of becoming legitimate through collaboration when it tied up with the Pennsylvania based company Ocugen to develop the vaccine for the US market. A glance at the Ocugen website shows nothing when you click on ‘About’ except a host of Indian faces in the ‘team’. Anyway. On January 3rd India made history when it granted Covaxin emergency authorization despite that there was no Phase 3 data at all to establish its safety and efficacy. In Modi’s India, data is a four letter word that has alighted the stairs of mythology, exactly like the country’s history. No data is required for anything. If it is ever found, it is exterminated by agencies like the Enforcement Directorate.
But since I have decided to be exterminated, here’s some dope (and data) on India’s vaccine approvals.
So neither Covishield nor Covaxin furnished any data on placebo-controlled efficacy trials of Indian participants to the Drugs Controller General of India (DGCI). Covishield data covered 24,000 participants but in the UK and Brazil. And we know what those dosing and sampling disasters were. In Covaxin’s case it was even simpler. There was no Phase 3 data all! In fact Covaxin makers didn’t even publish a guesstimate of what their efficacy might be. Bharat Biotech’s sample claims were riddled with contradictions and soon the leaders of the two companies called each other’s vaccine shit. When two mutually honest men bugger each other simultaneously, we must applaud at least the acrobatics. Serum Institute called its competitor’s vaccine ‘water’. And Bharat Biotech pointed at the massive testing flaws in Covishield and Paracetamol being administered before testing for Moderna. Nationalist politicos quickly took sides now that the dust of Ram Mandir built after razing the mosque was too old to wake up. But a day later, truce between the two vaccinating honchos was called. And then there was some Indian style entertainment. On January 6th, in a dry run of Covid vaccination in India, in Modi’s constituency Varanasi, in the state of Uttar Pradesh ruled by an unfertilized egg, there was an excited report of packets of vaccine being delivered on a bicycle. I’m not fucking kidding! And this was for a vaccine that must be stored at minus 70 degree Celsius. But people were quick to understand why. Delivering the same on a bullock cart (the only other option in that highly developed geography) was too risky. There was the fear of the vaccine contaminating the piss of the bullock.
But what India achieved so inexpensively on a bicycle, the United States spent $44 million to screw up. The CDC ordered software for the vaccine rollout behaved like Trump after elections. It just wouldn’t budge. Appointments were fixed, cancelled and rescheduled at random. It made one seriously wonder if America, for all its nuclear arsenal, could ever successfully direct it at the enemy (God forbid). Imagine shooting a missile into the South China Sea but hitting Trump Tower on Trump’s birthday, the day he tumbled out in a maternity unit instead of the commode. VAMS, the Vaccine Administration System had literally become a four letter word. Trump, in any case, had left the vaccination to the states and had busied himself with higher purposes like Capitol Hill. The government had paid Deloitte USD 16 million through a no-bid contract to manage the vaccination administration and tracking and then another 28 million with no deliverables in sight. This no-bid contract was raising eyebrows, but American eyebrows have stayed raised through the Trump tenure and couldn’t get raised anymore. Scientists are sure that evolution will ensure that the next generation of Americans will be born with eyebrows on top of the head. Now VAMS had become moody. Some days it would work and some days it wouldn’t. But I am sorry to say that when you read what follows then you will feel that all that you read so far was no better than using VAMS.
So here goes. Brace yourself. Get yourself a drink and read on because the whiskey in your glass may be your best vaccine yet. This information comes from Healthline, no less.
Even after getting a vaccine jab, you can still get infected and infect others. Also, it seems, that the immunity of the vaccine doesn’t set in till at least twelve days after. And now here’s the damning bit. The vaccine doesn’t prevent coronavirus infection! It only helps protect against ‘serious illnesses’. Then there are many ways you could test positive even after taking the jab. For one, you might have been infected before you took the jab. According to a ‘Sero survey’ with a bloody solid sample size of 28,840, every second person in Delhi is infected with the virus. While that may be a sign of herd immunity setting in, it is alarming at the same time. Then there is also a lag time between taking the jab and building immunity during which you could get infected. Then the protection from the first dose (in case of Pfizer) is around 52 percent and becomes 95 percent only two weeks after the second dose. Further, even if the vaccine does protect you, you may still infect others. Moreover, while the vaccine may prevent symptomatic diseases, there is nothing to establish that it does the same to prevent asymptomatic diseases. So in fact the advisory is that even after taking the vaccine, you must act like you are not vaccinated. Fuck you!
So, a 75-year-old cancer survivor, Bonnie Watson Coleman, tested positive a few days after taking the Pfizer jab. Then 45-year-old Mathew W tested positive six days after the same jab. In the United Kingdom, 85-year-old Colin Horseman died a few days after taking the Pfizer jab.
Now after reading all this, try and calculate the amount of money that has changed hands on this shambolic vaccine. And you know where the money eventually comes from! Not from Trump’s or Modi’s or Boris’s or Bolsonaro’s personal account, you stupid leftist. And you know who rolls in it when the damn thing is sold in truckloads and stored on Mother earth at the temperature of Mother Venus.
So, redeem yourself fella. Try not to pay your blooming taxes. Leftist or not, sucker, see what they are doing to your damn money. And it doesn’t fucking come from insider trading.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.