Just because homeopaths have laryngitis today and Ayurvedics (if they are called that) are observing spiritual silence and at long last leaving Covid 19 to useless Allopathy, doesn’t mean that Yoga is going to shut up anytime soon. See Yoga is all about building immunity and so here is what we must all do (separately) in our socially distant what-sapped lives.

Start by choosing a well-ventilated room that is open to airborne infection. But before that, dress in figure hugging trendy lycra on which Covid (not related to David) can easily make a temporary home. All beings are God’s beings and so they are all spiritually welcome. So start with a Namaste. It is widely believed that Modi’s Namaste Trump pogrom (sorry about the typo) marked the auspicious birth of Covid (not related to David) and China has had to bear Trump’s branding but is too busy battling the pandemic to bother even a bit about it. At any rate anyone who is busy can hardly afford to bother about Trump’s branding of anything. But we’re straying from our naturopathy agenda. So let’s get back to that virus friendly room.

Start.

Pose 1: Tadasana, the mountain pose

Ground down to four corners of your feet. Roll shoulders away from ears. And before you ask why, draw shoulder blades down your back. And before you can wonder why, lift the crown of your head – if you have one, crown I mean, not head, unless you are a right winger. In the latter case you have no reason to worry. The virus has to be immune to you, not vice versa. Tut tut. Strayed again from the point.

Back to the pose.

Engage the thighs, draw belly button in, if you have one – I mean button, not belly, unless you are an overfed hyper capitalist, in which case you have no reason to fear. It is the hungry virus that fears your prosperity. Tut Tut. Back to the pose. Lengthen up through the spine, if you have one, unless you are a head of state in which case it is the virus which will test positive, not you. But. But. Back to the pose. Turn your palms facing the front of the room. Relax your jaw. Unfurrow your brow. Even if both are pink in color, in which case you are safe because the virus will blush in embarrassment instead. Oh ho. Back to the pose. Breathe easy. Because it is only when do Pranayama that you breathe hard and deep, enough to suck the virus in from a distance of one mile and keep it in so long that it multiplies and then exhale with such force that it is sprayed all over the neighborhood.

Pose 2: Pranayama (whatever it means besides breathing like a steam engine)

Pose 2.1 Anulom Vilom (self-explanatory)

Be good and sit down because Yoga originated in a place which is sitting on its  . . . . for seven decades since independence. Now empty your lungs (might as well get rid of air before it comes out like a cry for communal violence) and use your thumb of your dominant hand to block your right nostril (serves the dual purpose of keeping right-leaning stink at bay and also transferring the virus from hand to nose to develop that herd immunity)  and breathe only from your left nostril, unless your mind is so closed to anything that is left of center, in which case the virus needs to develop immunity to you rather than the other way round. Now reverse it and shut your left nostril and transfer the virus to it, while breathing silly from the right, the way anyone who leans right, breathes, unless you breathe silly from both sides in which case you have no reason to fear the virus because then you would be a bureaucrat and the virus must fear you instead.

Pose 2.2 Kapalabhbhati Pranayama (cousin of Anulom Vilom like Covid is to SARS)

The idea here is to clear the mucus in the nose so that Covid (not David) can have an unobstructed pulmonary holiday. Start by sitting on your  . . . like a yogi who does little else. Inhale briefly and slowly to allow a friendly entrance to the virus and then exhale sharply to do the neighborhood a favor. And pull your navel in when you do so, unless you don’t have a navel in which case you must be a virus yourself and should immediately start contesting the presidential race.

Now get up and hold a political rally just to be doubly sure that you build herd immunity by infecting thousands rapidly. And yes, it will still be Yoga. You only have to prefix a Namaste to the pogrom. God, I’m terribly sorry about the typo again.

About Ash Kaul

Ash Kaul is a published Kashmiri writer and poet. He enjoys writing political satire and his satire has also been published in The Satirist. He has won some accolades in international competitions of flash fiction, short story and nonfiction as well. Besides building this collection of political satire essays, he is putting finishing touches to a historical epic and also a literary historical suffused with tragedy and set in the conflict zone of Kashmir. He can be contacted at LaughingAshes@gmail.com

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