Feats, Times & Life: Youth on Public Transport, the PM on Celebrity Mastermind and Radical IDS


Youth on public transport stinks of skunk

Train passenger Jason Douglas recently wiled away the entire hour long journey from South East to North West London blissfully unaware that all the other people in the carriage couldn’t help but take it in turns to surreptitiously glance at him due to the overwhelming stench of skunk weed emanating from his person.

“It’s really incredible that he can’t tell,” Media analyst Jane Werkeins, who was sat next to Jason, remarked. “It’s the first thing you notice when you walk on the train. I bet people on the platform can smell him when the doors open at stations.”

A few seats away from Jason, fellow passenger George Cartan was not fooled by the cheap deodorant Jason liberally sprayed over himself before leaving his mates house.

“If anything it’s created a new hybrid smell, which is even worse and easier to notice than just skunk on it’s own. I don’t know how he thinks no one can smell him. It smells worse than a thousand backsides. I hope he’s not carrying a lot.
“Why? He’s old enough to know better but he’s still young enough for this to have a big impact on the rest of his life if he’s caught with a lot. He’s definitely not older than twenty.”

Aging rasta Clifton Thomas was outraged in a number of different ways.

“Me na know why de yout’ dem wan’ fe smoke that blasted techno weed in the first place. That stuff is disgusting. Where in the ground does that grow? Hmm. You tell me that.”

Jason remained too lit to notice. If he had noticed, he wouldn’t have cared.

Mirrors wish humans would stop staring

MASS, Mirrors Against Stupid Starers, today condemned the general public for what they described as ‘a shocking lack of sensitivity’ when it comes to repeatedly staring at them.

While some mirrors quietly accept their fate and try to just get on with their life as best they can, other, more militant, mirrors have decided that something must be done. Conflicting ideas as to how to effectively campaign for the rights of mirrors has led to repeated conflict within MASS.

“If these stupid pricks keep eyeballing me I’m gonna fucking stick one on them one of these days.” Radical Mirror Martin Culver insisted at today’s central London press conference. “Wouldn’t you feel some kind of way about it if people were just staring at you day after day all the bloody time?”

MASS spokeperson, Ms Reanna Flection, visibly uncomfortable with Culver’s outburst, hastily tried to restore calm to proceedings.

“What Mr Carver is trying to say is that mirrors are not being used to their fullest potential. When a human being is stood infront of us, it represents one of the few times that person really allows themselves to fully be themselves. We have a lot of insight to offer into human behaviour. For instance, many people who normally scoff at superstitions become really nervous when they accidentally break us.”

She added: “You should see how scared some people become when a mirror accidentally falls from the wall.”
Unfortunately, the tabloid ‘journalists’ in attendance were doing their best to antagonise Mr Culver, and it worked.

“I’m sick of people constantly unloading their problems to me.” He said giving Ms Flection a dirty look. “I’m not their friggin’ therapist. Even worse is when they practice what they’re going to say for dates, business meetings and awkward phone calls with friends they haven’t seen for ages. Some pretentious prick even called me a ‘looking glass’ the other day. I mean can you believe that? I really wanted to punch him. And if one more ugly teenager squeezes a zit over me, i’m really gonna lose my shit.”

Black person in provincial town makes special effort to pander to right wing attitudes

Harold House, one of only a few black occupants of the village of Deadington, today defended his decision to pander to the prejudiced attitudes he encounters on a daily basis.

“I really don’t see what the fuss is all about. If I say the same things they say, but with a big helping of vitriol, then maybe no one will notice my skin colour. I’m just trying to blend in and not attract to much aggro. I first noticed i became invisible when everyone began slagging off Halal food. I joined in and gained immediate acceptance.
“I think we should definitely leave the EU,” Harold continued. “No it’s not simply the latest manifestation of what you might call Britian’s imperial hangover. That’s a ridiculous thing to say. How can a country not have control of it’s own borders?

“It’s entirely correct that Western news agencies only pay attention to terrorist attacks in Europe and almost completely ignore them when they happen elsewhere in the world. I think it’s much better to look at global issues from a purely Western standpoint.

“Seriously, i don’t mind it when people say coloured. They could be saying a lot worse you know. They frequently do.”

Prime Minister’s appearance on Celebrity Mastermind goes all wrong

David Cameron’s recent appearance on Celebrity Mastermind was seriously hampered by his inability to answer the questions he was asked. Regrettably, he finished last as a result.

Presenter John Humphrys is still dumbfounded.

“Even during the first round when I was asking questions on his chosen subject, the Beatles, he was all over the place. I asked who the fifth Beatle was. He replied: ‘King Henry VIII was the monarch who had six wives.’ I was mystified.

“I then asked which Beatle was gunned down outside The Dakota in New York in 1980. He responded with a long tirade about the governments record on green energy. He actually looked quite pleased with himself when he’d finished. We seriously considered not broadcasting. But it’s car crash TV at its best. By the time it got to the general knowledge round I knew we were in real trouble.

Cameron himself seemed unsure what the fuss was about.

“Well this is what i always do, especially at pmqs,” he responded when asked with an annoyed look o his face. “Week after week after week I ignore the questions that have been put to me and pontificate vaguely around the subject, or any subject really, until I feel I’ve said enough stuff. I don’t see why the same tactic can’t work on game shows.”

Famous person visits central London nightclub and has alcoholic drink

It has today been confirmed in a number of gossip rags that a famous person has patronised a well known Central London nightclub and consumed an alcoholic beverage whilst there.

Door manager Yuri Nemnotdown was so excited by the whole thing that her clipboard containing the all important guest list was trembling more than a naked person in the South Pole.

“I just couldn’t believe that this famous person chose my club when they could’ve chosen so many other clubs around here. It’s a massive honour.”

After gaining entry to the club, the famous person headed straight to the VIP area. Soon after the bar staff took the order for the alcoholic drink. The precise nature of the alcoholic drink has yet to be determined but you can bet it was something really posey, it wasn’t just a beer or something like that.

Excited clubber Jenna Rogers struggled to contain her obvious excitement.

“ I couldn’t believe it when i first saw the famous person. I thought to myself, ‘is that a famous person just having a drink and a bit of a dance?’ She gushed. “They weren’t really going for it, they were just sort of shuffling and that. But they’re properly famous. Not reality tv show famous. Actually famous-due-to-having-talent famous.”

Iain Duncan Smith to resurrect the Tooting Popular Front

In a profound demonstration of his new found love of activism and sticking it to the man since resigning from the government, Iain Duncan Smith has announced plans to reform the Tooting Popular Front.

“I tell you, once you shut down Twitter after smashing it on Andrew Marr you just feel that anything is possible,” IDS enthused. “When I was a young man in the seventies Wolfie Smith helped me fully realise what a moral compass was. I may have lost my way while in government but I’m right back on track now.
IDS has promised to back up his newfound social conscience with forceful action.
“I’m going to be a proper urban guerrilla. We’re gonna recreate Wolfie’s plan to kidnap a Tory MP in order to force the government into radical change. As I used to be a Tory frontbencher I’ll be able to get at least one of them to trust me. Only instead of kidnapping a local hoodlum I’ll get it right this time.

“While I was still a frontbencher, I considered kidnapping myself, but I didn’t have the guts frankly.”

At press time IDS was said to be in Camden Market picking out a Che Guevera T-shirt

Russell Myrie

About Russell Myrie

Russell Myrie is a former music journalist and the author of Don't Rhyme For The Sake Of Riddlin', the official Public Enemy biography. He's currently working on his debut novel. Russell is represented by Litro Represents.

Russell Myrie is a former music journalist and the author of Don't Rhyme For The Sake Of Riddlin', the official Public Enemy biography. He's currently working on his debut novel. Russell is represented by Litro Represents.

Leave a Comment