When to take a pregnancy test and when to prune roses

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Remove all remaining leaves. That way you can see the structure of the bush clearly.

Don’t think about him. You had three pints and a Bacardi – give yourself a break.

Cut dead wood. Brown is dead, green is living.

He says ‘to be honest’ all the time and you loathe people who say ‘to be honest’.

Open up the centre of the plant. Take out crossing branches. They can rub.

Picture your kid saying ‘to be honest’ all the time.

Remove any thin, weak growth. Anything thinner than a pencil. 

His dick is huge.

Cut above an outward-facing bud-eye. New stems grow in the direction of the bud, so the goal is to encourage them to be outward, not inward.

He’s never been out of Tipton St John.

Protect freshly cut canes from rot by sealing wounds.

You’d be a neglectful mother.

Clean up the surrounding area underneath. Leaves and branches should be disposed of as pests could be lurking.

He’s a safe bet.

Feed your roses.

His dick is huge.  

kik lodge

About Katie Lodge

Katie Lodge is a British teacher/translator based in Lyon, France, where she lives with her two kids. She writes personal essays for Huffington Post UK and Litro Magazine, and is currently working on a short story collection on the themes of belief, rootlessness and the sublime mania of singlemumdom. She is also part of the Found Fiction adventure where stories are hidden in trees and other unexpected places.

Katie Lodge is a British teacher/translator based in Lyon, France, where she lives with her two kids. She writes personal essays for Huffington Post UK and Litro Magazine, and is currently working on a short story collection on the themes of belief, rootlessness and the sublime mania of singlemumdom. She is also part of the Found Fiction adventure where stories are hidden in trees and other unexpected places.

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