You have no items in your cart. Want to get some nice things?Go shopping
I notice him as I’m waiting for the Number 3 bus. He’s standing there outside the Power Up Nutrition Supplement Store…
I’m transfixed immediately. I stare and stare, caught in his magnetic power. Two threes arrive and leave, and I don’t get on either. I heave myself up from my bus stop seat and stand at the edge of the pavement for a better look.
He’s immense, like a landscape, like somewhere you pass through then suddenly stop in awe of the view.
My peepers travel all over him, exploring the bulging swamp-green hillocks of his forearms, the rivulets of veins, the plateaus of his manly chest, the ridges of his six pack. And finally, I arrive at his underpants; colour purple. I want to tear those pants off and fondle their contents, cradle them in my own bare hands. But I don’t. Don’t, because I can’t.
I cross the road and pretend to shelter from the rain in the shop doorway but, really, it’s to get closer to him.
What a face! Small compared to the rest of him; rows of teeth like a white picket fence and eyes like two little meatballs. I measure the distance between his grabbing arms and picture how snugly I’d fit between them. It’s unusual for me to fit anywhere, frankly, which is why I think we’re such a match.
The rain’s making him supernatural. The car lights flow down his body, turning him from green to red. And in the streaming gleaming light, his face looks different – not ferocious, like he would crack me open, but gentler, like he’s smiling at me. And I swear, I see him wink – yes, wink – and that wink’s just for me. And then I hear a voice and it’s his voice.
“Take me back home,” he says.
“Take me back home.”
So, what I do next is completely insane.
As he’s blown sideways, I catch him and drag him away from the Power Up Nutrition Supplement Store like a she-monster returning to her cave after the hunt. I’m flustered and panting, I’ve turned crimson with the effort, my hair’s plastered to my skull and my drab jersey dress clinging to my blubber; my black snout boots are leaking and my shopping slapping my thigh.
I WALK home carrying my Hulk and take him immediately to my bedroom.
I shed my wet clothes and stand in front of the mirror naked, kneading the doughy flesh of my vast belly into as many different faces as I can make. This evening, I pummel my tum into a face that’s sweet and contented because that’s how I feel.
Behind me is the Hulk. He’s looking at me with such desire no ordinary man comes close.
“Take me back home,” he says.
“You are home,” I whisper, and I haul him into bed and lie in his powerful arms, and feel his great hands over my body and sink into his green swamp.
Well, I’m like the cat that’s ate the cream. I’m pouring it over my cereal and taking it in my coffee with two sugars. When I’m not looking, breakfast will manifest itself in flesh. Bof! Bulge here! Bof! Bulge there! Bof! Bof! Bof!
After last night, I don’t even care.
My green giant is sitting right here. I smile, pour him coffee, butter his toast, but he’s not hungry, which is strange, given our night of passion. I eat his toast for him.
In the cruel cold light of day, he’s looking…diminished… and his eyes have the blank mineral hardness of the reptile.
“Take me back home,” he says, and even his voice is more of a hiss.
“You are home,” I repeat, as lovingly as I can manage.
I clear the kitchen table and wonder if they’re missing him at the Power Up Nutrition Supplement Store. I don’t suppose they’d pay a ransom. It’s strange to think there’s probably a factory somewhere in China turning out thousands of Hulks like mine.
Back in the bedroom I attend to myself and sit down in front of the mirror. Because of my size, I blush easy. It’s the worst thing when I misjudge my girth, knock into someone, and flush scarlet. But here’s my salvation: green concealer to neutralise the high colour. I dab at the pot and apply it to my face.
This shade of green is not swampy, like my man here; it’s more…pastel…
And as I apply it, I begin to think, Well, why not go the whole hog, like I did last night?
So, I pull out of the wardrobe a shaggy black fright wig and put it on.
…and then a purple skin-tight dress…
In my narrow mirror, I am transformed. The reflection spooking back at me is a vampy green hulk. I curl my tongue and punch the air.
Bof! Bof! Bof!
So, this is what they call female empowerment!
I’m empowered, but my Hulk has got a misery vibe and his charm is wearing thin. He’s shrinking while I’m definitely growing. It’s time to launch ourselves into the world, so I put him in a shopping trolley and tether him to the handlebar, which he doesn’t particularly like, and off we go…
As I rattle down the street, a woman dashes up to us.
“You look AMAAAZING!” she says. “Can I?” She waves her phone at me. I’m flattered.
“Sure,” I say. “Go right ahead.” She takes pictures of us. “You’re perfect together,” she says.
“You know, you could make cash from the way you look…”
So, fellow vloggers and cosies out there, this is how I woke up and realised my true self.
I solved the issue of my size, not through diets, gastro belts or any of that surgery shit. No, I left the pounds happy where they were and let my inner hulk out…
Oh, I almost forgot, here’s my pal, my mentor, you could say, who showed me the way. Say hello everybody to the one and only HULK!
I can’t hear you! Louder!
Say hello back, HULK.
Maybe you can’t hear him. He’s kinda shy these days. I worry he’s living too much in my shadow. That’s common, isn’t it, when one side of a partnership becomes famous with 23 million followers on YouTube, while the other’s left out in the cold.
Well, peeps, why not follow me and HULK into our weird green world? I’ve got one crazy adventure coming up! It’ll blow your minds!
Guys, I’m on my way to China! I’ll be touching down in Guangzhou province and from there I get a bus to the factory where HULK was made. Yes, he’s coming too. I booked a second ticket for his seat.
Truth is, I want an upgrade. Not the seat, I mean, this is business class, but I want a new Hulk in my life. This one’s worn out by the advertising gigs and gameshow conferences. He gets jealous of the attention I’m getting, the green-eyed monster, you know. So, I’m returning him to his birthplace to retire, like he always wanted, and I’ll pick myself up a shiny new model.
What do you say, HULK?
Hmm, he’s got a slightly fanatical look in his eye today…What’s up, you?
Oh, it’s the weirdest thing but…. did his hand move just then?
And, well, oh, oh, oh NO!
OH MY GOD!
Is this for real? They’re calling it turbulence! They’re saying stay in your seat! Seatbelt on!
But, but, but….
HULK’s left his seat!
HULK’s charging towards the cockpit!
HULK’s in with the pilot!
WAS THAT THE PILOT SCREAMING?
OH! AND THE OXYGEN MASKS HAVE DROPPED DOWN!
OH, OH, THE DEEP GREEN SEA IS FLYING UP TOWARDS US!
THE WRATH OF MY GREEN-EYED MONSTER!