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Dear Customer #9375508,
Thank you for letting us know about your unsatisfactory experience. While our engineers at Girlfriend Factory™ are working hard to remove all technical difficulties, our customer service representatives are here to provide you with any emotional support you might need. Should you desire to learn more about the human component of the customer support process, you will find a brief bio at the end of this email.
Understandably, unexpected malfunctions are often a source of great frustration, but they do not render you helpless. In the main body of this message, you will find a carefully curated list of the Frequently Unasked Questions to guide you during this difficult period. Everything you never cared to ask but should have at the end of your fingertips. Enjoy and good luck.
FREQUENTLY UNASKED QUESTIONS
(applicable to models AG19.7 – YZ21FR)
As you are reading this page, there is a high probability that at one point in the past you became involved with one of our products. Try not to worry. Yes, she does put empty milk containers back in the fridge and yes, she throws kitchenware around with what seems to be the power of mind; however, the chances of her aiming correctly are fairly small. Take a moment to reflect on all the terrifying things you encounter daily: there is her neighbour’s dog, her father, violent storms and homeless people in the underground. Those are much more likely to kill you than a levitating rice cooker. This document was constructed to tame this and your other fears, so your relationship with the Certain Girlfriend™ becomes a comforting and life-enriching experience.
WHAT IS HER FAVOURITE COLOUR?
As insignificant as it might seem, multiple studies have shown that the grandest of partnerships start with the tiniest details. One of the most ingenious things about Certain Girlfriend™ models AG19.7 – YZ21FR is that the entire depth of her character is encoded in small everyday activities. You have probably noticed that she never fails to set a plate for an unexpected guest when she cooks; that she saves every last bread crumble for the neighbourhood pigeons; that she shivers when you approach her in the dark. Creating such an accessible database came from our newly promoted senior programmer Keith. Keith’s own wife, one of our earliest models, is not, regrettably, as easily read. After thirty years of trying, Keith has only recently figured out how to make her happy on a date night and wanted to spare you this difficult journey. A beautiful and generous gesture, isn’t it? We will let Keith know that you think so.
Since we touched on the subject of Certain Girlfriend’s™ unfortunate fear of intimacy, let us discuss the displays of affection that will not cause an aggressive counter-reaction. Those include the fail-safe classics, such as braiding her hair, squeezing her fingers and forehead kisses. We would strongly advise avoiding any unannounced touching and singing “There she goes” (The Wombats version). Should you ever feel an urge to sing anything by The Wombats, just think of that fourteen unanswered phone calls. You wouldn’t want to replace “Daddy,” would you?
Then there is verbal communication. We particularly support it as statistically, it carries the lowest risk of unwanted mainframe response, with a notable exception of words like “moist” and “tofu.” You will be surprised by how the simplest of conversations will enrich your relationship.
CONVERSATIONS? SHE BARELY SPEAKS!
Although thorough enjoyment of verbal exchange is not a universal trait among our models, the seed of it has been carefully planted in all of our products. Tending to it would greatly benefit your understanding of the Certain Girlfriend™ and the bond you share. As you are probably about to point out, model CF20.7 comes with a warning that a dislike for conversations about her past is a static, inalienable trait. We give all of our models a right to remain silent under specified circumstances – an idea of Keith’s predecessor, Robert, now sadly deceased. Fortunately, her past is scattered all around you. The aforementioned ignored phone calls from “Daddy”; visitors slips from various government-funded health institutions; highly caloric foods in the shoe drawer. Nonverbal communication is your alternative way into this particular realm, and it is a method that has been in successful use since the beginning of the human race. Awake your inner neanderthal. Your relationship with Certain Girlfriend™ will blossom.
Should you, however, take our advice on bonding through words, let us recommend the following topics: puppies, A-list celebrities, Barbara from Shark Tank, drug use, Argentinian cinema, folk music, Haruki Murakami, post – Brexit trade regulations, dead babies of St Kilda, serial killers, clowns, The Sun’s believability, Meghan Markle, C-list celebrities, figure skating, Vladimir Putin, the science of Rick & Morty, Lebensborn, baby organ donors.
You could also go fishing.
WHAT’S WITH THE SOCKS?
A simple circulatory issue that requires those piles of fluff to keep her physically comfortable. No biggie! Unfortunately, there are multiple other bugs to be mentioned. Do not fret – what follows is merely a summary of the Statistically Most Common Bugs Directory from your manual. Although, yes, each of the AG19.7 – YZ21FR models is bound to display some of those, they usually appear individually and do not have a significant impact on the overall functionality.
Battery fluctuations: the main symptom being frequent restarts, usually in places commonly recognised as appropriate (and only occasionally in the Ikea bedroom section, driveways or parking lots).
Find the contact number for our Engine Department (Thyroid extension) in the manuals Index A.
Emotional matrix deconfiguration: usually diagnosed based on behaviours such as indifference to the scent of homeless people on the tube; giggling at weeping news presenters; most notably, lack of the need to pet rescue dogs.
See: Comfort Circuit Repair Procedure.
Wire tangles: the most prominent group among the reported malfunctions, it includes small errors such as fragmented thoughts, sudden night limb movements and salt in your coffee.
Experiencing a bug that fits in no other category? Fill in the form at www.gffactory.wrld/defect and sit tight while Keith figures it out.
Unexpected attractions: a large group of controversial defects, among which you will find “head over hill”, “crazy for crocs” and Keith’s personal favourite, “heart in the clouds.” It is advised to keep a careful watch over any unexpected attractions as they occasionally evolve into serious mental issues. A little attraction to a hunky Nimbostratus is absolutely within the error margin – attraction to the Moon, however, is a very different matter.
See: Why The Warranty Does Not Cover Your Issue (SMCB Manual, page 437)
Blockage of the second chakra: a sad, repetitive occurrence of confusion as to the purpose of your private parts (occasionally accompanied by bladder discomfort or low self-worth).
Please seek the advice of a medical professional.
If you read through the above list in one sitting, please take three deep breaths through your nose. Most broken things can be fixed. And, once again, conversing with clouds is not a big deal! However, if she stays up at night to write poetry in Czech, you definitely have a storyteller on your hands – and I would like to again draw your attention to the fact that that is not covered by the guarantee.
How come? Well, frankly, those issues are notoriously traced back to the inconsistencies on the part of the Factory of Daughters and we really should not be held responsible for their unfortunate mistakes.
FACTORY OF DAUGHTERS?
An interdimensional engineering company owned by the Human, Inc. with headquarters in Pasadena. Nothing good ever came from Pasadena and FoD is by no means an exception. They have been found responsible for nearly all of the childhood traumas, a good chunk of PTSD cases and every single attachment issue. For centuries they have been blaming a huge number of blunders on their deeply flawed cooperation with Fathers Manufacturers, especially in the sexual misconduct department. However, they are still the ones solely responsible for sending us incorrect blueprints, providing corrupted code templates and gifting us with raw girlfriend material already beyond repair. Basically, they’re twats, because twats are the only things that come from Pasadena.
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT –
To illustrate our previous point, here is a log of errors extracted from a prototype sent to us by FoD:
Error 1: Incorrect function.
Human Component Explication: minor motor disability in infancy.
Error 641: The system is in the process of shutting down.
Human Component Explication: saved from cot death by a drunk teen nanny.
Error 10: The environment is incorrect.
Human Component Explication: raised in a trailer by a couple of drug users.
Error 1003: Cannot complete this function.
Human Component Explication: develops early symptoms of eating disorder in response to being force-fed tomatoes in preschool.
Error 53: The network path was not found.
Human Component Explication: Bring Your Family To School Day.
Error 7: The storage control blocks were destroyed.
Human Component Explication: undiagnosed teenage anxiety.
Error 32: The process cannot access the files because it is being used by another process.
Human Component Explication: parental fight for custody, followed by a period of residence at the local youth shelter.
Error 240: The session was cancelled.
Human Component Explication: experiences clinical death after being placed with her father.
Error 38: Reached the end of the file.
Human Component Explication: suicide attempt on prom night.
Error 21: The device is not ready.
Human Component Explication: an unsuccessful attempt at losing her virginity (break-up to follow).
Error 31: A device attached to the system is not functioning.
Human Component Explication: three weeks in a coma after falling down the stairs onto her father’s fist.
Error 500: User profile cannot be loaded.
Human Component Explication: sudden inability to recognise faces, persisting for thirteen months.
Error 120: This function is not supported on this system.
Human Component Explication: falls in love with a woman.
Error 183: Cannot create a file when that file already exists.
Human Component Explication: meets and discards a perfectly fine father figure out of a sense of guilt and shame.
Error 209: The signal being posted is incorrect.
Human Component Explication: unsuccessful attempt to have sex with a female.
Error 351: The shutdown operation failed.
Human Component Explication: ongoing insomnia.
Error 66: Network access is denied.
Human Component Explication: Daddy calls.
You see? With childhood baggage of such weight, it is sadly no surprise our products end up with mingebags like you.
WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?
The process of customer classification is based on the data provided by Individual Lifetime Statistic and Accountability, Co., one of our longtime industry partners.
Did you think we were not aware of your immunity to the yawning stimuli? Or the abundance of “crazy” female individuals clamming your past? It is well known to us that when your sister called you about her deep depression, you advised her to “just wait her period out.” You can expect a letter from the Sisters Protection Services regarding that one. Their Penalty Department is a true trendsetter and, frankly, an inspiration to us all.
Regularly asking other males whether they are “babysitting” also constitutes a serious offense. They never are. They are being fathers to the daughters they have wanted since they were children themselves (in the rare cases that FoD does their job properly). They are taking care of the most important people in their lives. They have reached a spiritual level a piece of trash like yourself has no business even aspiring to.
WHAT DOES ALL THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
You are an abhorrent, emotionally perverted human being, now guilty of wrong handling one of our favourite products. To you, her company is a side effect of an accidental meeting a couple of successful late-night dates. To us, her existence is the embodiment of every hard decision made by Keith and others, who saw their loved ones mirrored in this miracle of human engineering. They put both their thoughts and their feelings into literally everything about her; that she would rather have a flying reindeer than a unicorn; her favourite plant being cactus; her endearing hatred for The Wombats. We were prepared to answer questions about her most treasured memory (that one night she spent in a foster house), the last time she sang to herself (last Saturday in the shower), irrational fears she had as a child (vending machines and escalators). Instead, we are constantly flooded with “How can I convince her to go down on me?”, “Can I exchange mine for a virgin?”, and “She fell down the stairs, why won’t the police believe me?” – so if we come across a bit coarse, you can probably understand. In all honesty, the only thing we wish to tell you is that if you ever again add an error to her log, we will find you, we will fuck up your face, we will fuck up your family and we will fucking kill you.
We hope the document above has relieved some of the anxiety you might have been experiencing. We would like to once again assure you that our engineers will be in touch as soon as possible, and thank you for your patience in these difficult times.
Born on February 3rd
White water rafting enthusiast
Favourite grandchildPuts the “hot” in “psychotic”
About A. C.
A.C. is a wanderer, overthinker, and a learning addict. She was recently spotted in London, attempting to master ballroom dancing and making friends with the Greenwich foxes.